brentalfloss

Home Improvement

2011-12-29T08:40:00.001-05:00

I have learned a lot while remodeling our house. The previous home owner has taught me all kinds of things! Like did you know you don't need expensive power tools? You can use kitchen knives as saws and screw drivers and just leave them in walls, ceilings and crawl space after you bury the bodies. . . I mean after you are done with dry wall.

In the red-neck spirit of our former home owners I have decided to give some handy home building and remodeling advice! You'll thank me later!

New roof - Start saving those burned pancake to reuse as roofing material! By the time you need a new roof you should have a stock pile of roofing material that cost you nothing! Seal them with driveway sealer every few years and you will have a long lasting, inexpensive roof that is easy to repair and can be eaten during the Zombie Apocalypse.

You can save on the cost of paint - by flinging expired milk and dairy products on the walls. Stores will probably pay YOU to take it home. You never know what color you might end up with. For a chic finish simply rub left over bacon grease on the dried walls for a unique designer patina. Plus the house will always smell like bacon!

Instead of expensive hardwood flooring - just remove the floor. You can cover the ground under the house with less expensive sand for an indoor playground for the kids year round, and never have to worry about mopping or vacuuming again! Floor joists make great monkey bars and balance beams to strengthen your core muscles. Plus: No more litter box for kitty! Don't have a cat??? You will soon have hundreds of cats, opossums, and stray monkeys to love and adore!

Windows - Who needs windows? Those are so 20th century. "Dark is in" says the Emo Kids! Windows are expensive! Why not just be done with them, and return to our cave dwelling roots. The energy savings and building/remodeling costs will amaze you! The gas company will actually start paying you! You can grow your own mushrooms all over the house with little effort. They will probably start springing up spontaneously! Plus kids thrive in the dark!

Foundation - You don't actually need a foundation. You can just put a large rock under each corner of the house. When it rains you will have a soothing water feature your guests are sure to be jealous of! What about mice? No worries. Your hoard of animals are sure to protector the perimeter of your home by killing, eating and burying the remains of anything that enters! ... including certain in-laws ;) If the county inspectors give you crap, show em your gun, or suspend the house from your trees with tow strap. They have no building codes for international air-space!

Go Green! Whether building or remodeling, you can't go wrong with earth friendly, heavy duty recycled cardboard for walls and siding material. A great alternative to earth-unfriendly foam and vinyl! In a house fire you can smile at the plumes of eco friendly white smoke while all of your neighbors homes darken the skies with their toxic black clouds as they catch fire from your debris. This will also make it easy for the house to biodegrade back to mother earth after you die, or a pack of rabid raccoon's move in to feast upon your bacon paint and pancake roof.

I hope these tips have helped! I have had fun learning as I go.
Next week I will give you tips on upgrading your Personal Computer and or Heatlh Care.

De-Friended

2011-12-12T12:01:00.001-05:00

"Hmmm, I haven't seen an update from ____ in awhile...

I wonder what's up with...

wait.... what?

No... Am I???

I'VE BEEN DE-FRIENDED?!?!"

It's been a while since I've gone off... Well get ready, cuz Ima be, Ima be, Ima, Ima, Ima be goin off right about now.

I love when I see a comment on Macy's facebook from people I haven't heard from in awhile, and it ends up being due to the fact that I was de-friended by them. I particularly love when these people are FAMILY MEMBERS (you know who you are), and when I see them they are all smiles and "We miss you guys!"
"Blah Blah Blah! Zip it, you're dead to me!"

I just came across yet another person or six in my family and a former "friend" who has defriended me. Let's not have any misconceptions that I am the kind of person who likes to just let things slide without stirring the pot in traditional passive aggressive fashion.

Defriending: is exactly what the button implies. You are taking an action to disassociate your friendship with that person. Oh yes, it is exactly that serious.

NO, IM NOT OVER-REACTING! YOU ARE!

Defriending implies, you don't care what I'm up to, you are not interested in what's going on in my life, you don't care to see pictures of my family, or watch my twilight video... or read my aimless ranting blog posts (much like this one)... and you would like to stop sharing the same information about your life with me.

These days there is no better way to send a message of personal disdain and lack of carring than to de-friend someone. If they made a Hallmark card that simply said "I have de-friended you" inside, it would be no different than sending it to someone. You went out of your way to defriend me. It took thought and effort to send me this lovely DEFRIENDED card, and you even put a little heart over the "i".

One might think, knowing me, I would be a major advocate for de-friending rights. But to the contrary; there are only a handful of acceptable reasons to defriend someone. First we must establish there are 3 different types of facebook "friends" and some are OFF LIMITS to defriending. (Plus I am the defriended in this case... that might play into my direction with this post)

1. The Regulars - People in your real life
Usually family members, in-laws, out-laws, your best friends, etc... These are supposedly the people you love. They are both people you see on a frequent basis or only at the holiday's when you are visiting.

This makes up 2.5% of your facebook friends list.
How to defriend?

YOU CAN'T!!! The only way you can defriend these people is by actual divorce and even then you have to wait an acceptable cool-off period, unless they are really horrible people. You generally make an advent calendar and wait the standard 60 days before the defriending so it won't be as obvious.
If they are actual blood relation family, like say an UNCLE or a FAVORITE AUNT! or a COUSIN (who's butt you covered for after a couple of crazy parties)... (scorned hinting implied).
Inlaw or outlaw, it is NOT acceptable to defriend them, period. You can ignore them all you want, filter them if you will, but no defriending without legal documentation. I don't care if they are a fan of "Clubbing baby seals Group" or "Obama 2012"... NO DEFRIENDING.

2. The Occasionals

These are people you are friendly with, but not FRIENDS with... people you lived by, worked with etc... see from time to time at parties, church, Wal-mart... and keep in loose contact with. You generally "get" each other and can joke around.

This makes up about 7.5% of your facebook friends list.
How to defriend?
You must be out of communication for at least 6 months, every time you "catch up" the counter resets.

Exclusion: As per the family designation: family members are not eligible for this clause.

3. Extra's
A: People you knew back in the day

B: Friends you grew up with
C: Friends or family of friends who you find interesting
D: People you dont really know...
E: People you met once and thought were kinda funny
F: People you haven't actually met but you heard a story about them or saw a comment they made once on someone else's facebook post... (Tom Parker)
This makes up 90% of your facebook friends list.
How to defriend?
Subject to the above exclusions... Have at, you can defriend them at any time for any reason. Are they a fan of "I like crackers and cheese" ? Go ahead defriend away! Maybe they posted pictures of their dog and cat in holiday sweaters.... DEFRIEND. Clicked the "Like" busson for Nancy Pelosi... you go it : DEFRIEND!

Bottom line, defriending is the perfect way to say "get out". So you had better be careful with you defriending and make sure you know what you are doing and who you are doing it to. You never know when a disgruntled nephew or cousin who has put up with you for 30 years will decided to write a blog about you, and that party we were at... with Josh's band... You know the one.

The really frustrating thing is, I am now defriended, and thus it is doubtful any of these people will read this rant, because they are jerks who defriended me...
I am just a little hopeful that a friend or family member will read it and then ask them "Hey, are you one of "the ones" who DE-friend Brent?" and they will say "Yeah..." and then that person will punch them in the face, drag them to a computer and make them read this, Ala Cousin Eddie in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

XOXO
You're dead to me

Quilted for her pleasure...

2011-12-06T08:55:00.002-05:00

(I'm sorry! Just skip this post! ;)

A change in employment will give you pause to make all kinds of comparisons! The difference in language, dress, attitude, toilet paper... Yep! I always thought our building management in Lincoln Tower was trying to cheap out on us with their toilet paper.

It was no doubt made from the scraps leftover from making news paper, bit of wood pulp and such visible in the weave. Perforated all over giving it a bumpy sand paper like texture designed to strip paint, or the first layer of skin.

None of that quilted quadruple ply made from the hair of baby angels. We're talking the real Civil War toilet paper here.

Who would have thought I would miss it! I just needed to reference against something else to realize it:
Lincoln cheaps out too, but in a different way, they buy the straight up newspaper. I think they seriously get the end of the press roll from the Journal Gazette and cut it down! Did you know newspaper doesn't clean anything? Try to clean up some chocolate pudding off the kitchen floor with newspaper sometime.

..... Now I suppose if I had a spray bottle full of Windex I could get a nice shiny streak free finish like the family room windows.

Twilight Depression: The Dawn is Breaking

2011-11-30T21:39:00.000-05:00

My Post Twilight Depression blog always gets hits when another Twilight Movie comes out...
... the most recent installment (Breaking Dawn: Part 1) left me a little down. :(

If Brent seems sad today... he just wants to die.

2011-11-18T11:56:00.001-05:00

Im sure everyone has a myriad of stories of their parents embarrassing them beyond belief.

You've got nothing on me.

When I was 16: Drawing a comic book series of pictures of my English Teacher where she is a super hero with the initials P.M.S. on the chest of her super hero costume landed me a talk with my mom about menstruation... that was pretty bad... but it wasn't public embarrassment! So it only qualifies as a horrible moment in life.

This is how I recall it going down...

I think I can top the story (the video will be VERY hard to beat so I wont even try).

When I was 5 we got a dog named Rusty. When I was 17 he died... Imagine when I got to work and walked up to the group of supervisors laughing. My supervisor, while wiping tears from his eyes, informed me "Your mom just called...(laughter) she said (laughter) if you are sad its because your dog died (laughter) Im sorry... (laughter)... and I guess you are excused from gym class today! (Laughter from everyone but me).

Here is a reenactment...

Addiction - Cookie be thy name

2011-11-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

Hi... My name is Brent and I am addicted to cookies.

Oh its a real addiction my friend! Its almost a life style really... A cookies culture if you will.

Today is my birthday and as I was getting ready for work I was about to get my usual peanut-butter toast when I thought... its my birthday.... eat like 20 Keebler Chips Deluxe and wash it down with a glass of milk!!! So I did.... Don't you judge me!

If I have cookies, they will be eaten. I can do a line of cookies at my desk and no one thinks anything of it, because I weight in at a vicious $1.50 (150lbs...)
Yeah, I said do a line. ... Yeah, I weigh 150... (153 lately).

When I was a kid I would watch Cookie Monster and think
"I want to be THAT when I grow up!"
But guess what... J is for JUNKIE and that's what Cookie Monster is!!!

Where was the D.A.R.E. to keep kids off Keebler campaign, I ask you!

I did an entire bag of Keebler Chips Deluxe Rainbow Chip (my preferred store bought drug of choice!) in one day this spring, and no one cared, people actually said "I wish I could do that, I hate you."

It really shouldn't be encouraged, but since I have an arguable metabolic disorder: that somehow makes it acceptable and envious. . . ?
I'll bet there isn't a span of more than 3 days that I don't have some kind of cookie... and cookies are like Lays Potato chips, you can't eat just one my friend!

Its not my fault they are so accessible! Small girls even peddle them door to door or camped out in the lobby of my building! You don't have to show ID to buy them! They sell them everywhere!
If my buddy Chris and I were having a rough day in the office we would sneak down the back alley of the best in town from the Loaf N Ladle a couple times a week

Now think about this... swap out the word cookie anywhere above and replace it with alcohol or heroin... and you would be organizing an intervention for me!

"Did you see Brent??? He's working on a 5th of Keebler Soft Batch... at work... That guy has a major problem!"
"I like how he thinks no one knows he keeps that in his desk!"
"You can smell it on his breath all the time!"
"Look at how skinny he is! I'm really worried about him..."

Don't worry about me. I party like Charlie Sheen, baby! I eat full bags for breakfast! That's how I roll! Yeah, Im on a drug, it's called Nabisco! WINNING!

Children's Programming - Brought to you by ...

2011-11-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

I hate a lot of kids programming. Early on we felt it important to teach Vivian that a certain purple pedophilasaurus was "Crap". You couldn't get her to watch it (what proud parents we were, when our little two year old Vivy would tell her grandma "No, we don't watch that crap.")

Once in a while the kids, of their own volition, get a taste for some horrible show. First was Ribbert and Robert, or something about a spray tanning homo and his pet frog... Currently it is CAILLOU... Pronounced "Ky-oo" ... It wreaks of Candian programming swill (much like Sid the Science kid, also on the list of contention makers). The stupid french spelling of the stupid name alone gags me as I say it.

This little bald headed freak is voiced over by a grown woman trying to sound like a whinny little snot faced, annoying, poop head of a 2 year old wif.. uh-wim-it-ed vo-cab-u-wary. He constantly sounds like a little malcontent about to throw a fit and the parents ALWAYS give him what he wants! See why I think it's Canadian?
He also has a little sister who constantly get the short end of the stick because of his attention grubbing.

Oh and there is a neighbor who I thought was his grandpa, but turns out to just be a random pervert that takes him places and buys him things.

Christina Aguilera, please shut up.

2011-11-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

Christina Aguilera... You can sing... We get it, ok? You don't need to show us your entire vocal range, and every vibrato run in your bag of tricks, packed into 10 seconds of EVERY SONG you sing. Please just stop.

Maroon 5 made a huge mistake featuring Christina on "Moves Like Jagger" for many reasons (other than the above).

One - You are freakin weird! You reminded me of that girl in high school who's in drama and has the lead role for everything and thinks shes awesome and unique, and everyone else is stupid and immature, but not her, she's like so open minded and mature, you dont even know!. She's going to change the world! You're like 30! Just stop!

Two - You are a moron and possibly have male genitalia... Let's listen to the words of your feature on Maroon 5's "Moves like Jagger" in question: "If I share my secret, you're going to have to keep it, no one else can this..."

Ummmm.... That sounds scary.

Pumpkin Facial

2011-10-28T12:12:00.000-04:00

Oooo! I am going to be trendy and seasonal with this one!!!

The lastest beauty trend. No, not those stupid feathers in people's hair.

"Relax and restore years of youth to your skin with a soothing pumpkin facial with regenerative apple stem cells..."

Wait... Pumpkin facial? Really?

When I was a kid a pumpkin facial was either when you sneaked up on your friend while trick'or'treating and smashed a pumpkin into his face... smeared someone with pumpkin guts while carving a pumpkin, or just took a carved pumpkin and smashed its face into the ground. Bonus points if the owner sees you and cries.

No, wait, what??? Apple stem cells? What are you talking about??? Like the Apple Stem?

Or actual like embryonic stem cells from an apple? Wouldn't that be an apple seed?

Cause adult apple stem cells would just be Apple-Sauce.
Im like 99% sure on this.

I am 100% sure that this is STUPID and anyone getting one ... well if I rubbed pumpkin pie and apple sauce on my face I would look pretty stupid wouldn't I?

E still = MC2

2011-10-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I made reference to some scientists who spent years and MILLIONS of $$$ trying to sped up a tiny particle faster than the speed of light, just for fun... Stick with me here and I will make it fun, maybe not worth your time, but fun (in the sense that making fun of science nerds is still fun even though we aren't in high school anymore...). They thought they had done it and I know how worried you all were that relativity had been compromised so I thought I would do a follow up. They just forgot one thing that I discovered when I was 17... Stupid scientist.

When I was 17 my friends and I found out if you were in a car going 30 miles per hour and threw a stolen pumpkin out the window the pumpkin was also going 30mph plus the velocity/force we threw it at (presumably 10mph, as the average basketball moves around 20mph to the rim) so the pumpkin is then moving 40mph at a non-moving mailbox = sweetness.
Well a pumpkin thrown from a car moving 75mph... (or 85mph with thrust increase applied - forget the rate of momentum loss for now) coming in contact with a mailbox = explosive fun for all! except the mail box...

Lets take this example and exploit it.
Now given that the earth's revolutionary rotation puts it moving at 1,050 miles per hour and you are calculating something (a neutrino / pumpkin) moving near the speed of light the speed being measured in fractions of nano seconds, the speed of both the car you are throwing the pumpkin from and the car it's being thrown at become very important.

If car A is in front and moving at 75mph and car B is behind moving at 75 mph in the same direction, the pumpkin dropped out the window is moving at 75mph and decreasing velocity, (we'll say a loss of 5mph per second), if it takes 5 seconds for car B to meet the pumpkin, the pumpkin is now moving at 50mph and Car B is moving at 75mph which puts the impact at a disappointing 25mph of force impact. Which is what happened in the case of science.

Now if the cars are moving AT each other... totally different story... and list of charges for the police!

So in short after millions of dollar$ scientist forgot that both the car sending the pumpkin and the car receiving the pumpkin were moving at 75mph creating a pumpkin velocity offset.

Where's my peace prize?

Lady looks like a dude... Chaz Bono

2011-10-12T09:29:00.000-04:00

Chastity Bono - the spawn of Sony (spell check, is that right? Like my CD Player?) and Cher (spell check...)

Went and got herself the ultimate fashion accessory... Dont make me say it.... and went on Dances with the Stars (thats the name of that show right??)

Here is my problem... They refer to her in the masculine: he, his, him, transgender ...
You are a woman. Sorry, but you are. Deal with it.
If I buy a shiny, expensive police badge and have it surgically implanted on my forehead, it does not make me a policeman!
If I have a squirrel tail attached to my butt it doesn't make me a squirrel... it makes me a FREAK.
You might have an expensive toy there and a legal name change... but that does not mean you know what to do with it.

What is with lesbian's who want to look like (or in this case BE) men? Isn't the point of being a lesbian that you are attracted to other women? So once you undergo your "transformation", shouldn't your girlfriend not be into you anymore? Did anyone else just shiver and say "Gross!"

I will give her this though... she is sure looking the part!
Congratulations, you look like a chubby 21 year old dude who is a NASCAR fan!
Yeah, I said it.

Dancing at a state fair near you this fall!
Future NASCAR engagements to be announced!

Oh and just one more thing.... EAT IT MICHIGAN!

Obama 2011

2011-10-06T14:36:00.000-04:00

Scientist stare into space for 6 months.

2011-09-30T11:36:00.000-04:00

Science is having some major successes this year!

~~E=MC2~~
"E=... something... yeah... whatever."

Scientist sped up something faster than the speed of light (without ripping a hole in the space time continuum mind you) spitting in Einstein's brilliant smug face, proving E may not = MC2.

More recently, and far more importantly, after six months of orbiting Mercury, NASA’s MESSENGER spacecraft is providing surprising new information on the planet. New close-up images and data provided by the spacecraft indicate Mercury, the tiny planet closest to the Sun, has a lopsided magnetic field, much more sulfur than expected and strange “hollows” across its surface that may hint at present-day geologic activity.
NASA scientist were also able to determine fundamental flaws in Mercury's economy and figured out a way to decrease the planet's unemployment rate by donating its $20BILLION dollar budget!
I'm thrilled that NASA is spending portions of that $20 BILLION dollars on things like starring at Uranus for 6 months. Keep up the good work boy, this no doubt greatly benefits society.

My name is Brent

2011-09-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

My name is Brent...
It is not Brandt, neither Bret/ Brett, nor Bart, nye Brad, Burt, Brand, Braid (just heard that one), or Clint.

"I thought Braid was a funny name!" Does it look like I think it was funny? (you cant see my face because this is a blog so I will answer that) No.

Do I have a speech impediment? Seriously, if I do someone should tell me, it would be far more mean and inconsiderate to not tell me, over not saying anything out of fear I might be sensitive about it.

An impediment is the only logical thing I can think of. At least 1 out of 2 new people I meet for the first time think I have said a name other than Brent when I introduce myself. Maybe I am a low talker... Maybe Brent is just a hard name? Or maybe 1 out of 2 people are morons!
I like the moron reason because you morons have never thought I said Trent, and that actually rhymes with and sounds like Brent!

Sponge Bob melts brains and makes your kids gay hippies

2011-09-13T10:29:00.001-04:00

Monday, the American Academy of Pediatrics took aim at the 12-year-old Nickelodeon show, reporting a study that concludes the fast-paced show, and others like it, aren't good for the mental development of small children. Sponge Bob and other fast paced cartoons and shows that change scene's and theme's rapidly train young brains to likewise mentally jump around and loose focus.
In 2005, James Dobson, head of the Christian rights group Focus on the Family, said the cartoon's tolerance themes were really code for gay-agenda promotion. And just last month, Fox News criticized the series, for allegedly promoting global-warming science.

Aren't those the same thing?
Gay tolerance and global warming "Science"?
Aren't they? Huh? ;)

Jaime Pressly

2011-09-12T09:09:00.002-04:00

Jaime Pressly takes to the red carpet with her blonde bob sleekly combed over from the part and toward her face. (stick with me here) On the other side, her hair is tucked to wrap around her ear with a display of bulk upon the ends. A refreshing response, to the edged cut of the bob is presented away from the face when the bob is normally closed in around the face.
(wait for it...)

Generously applied bronzing presents a tanned and healthy glow. Her wide blue eyes are defined with lighter shadows, light touches of eyeliner, mascara. The large loopy earrings bring a striking artistic touch along with the black florets upon her netted dress...

And even though she is in LA (having taken up squatters rights on the set of My Name is Earl after the show's end), we can still see her trailer park from here! One can barely see the lump of chew tucked in her cheek, concealed with a touch of pink blush, thus proving: Church it up all you want, you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of her face!
Some people just look W.T. (that means white trash, its ok for me to say that cause I lived in a trailer park in Wyoming as a kid. I can get away with anything (especially at parties) and people will just laugh and say "Oh he was raised in a trailer park in Wyoming" and people with laugh it off, but you can't get away with it.)

Legalized Sexual Extortion. AKA: Marriage

2011-08-19T19:22:00.005-04:00

I've been holding on to this blog for a long time...

Husbands, how many times has you're wife said something to the effect of: "I'm just soooo tired! (note dramatics) I'm not going to get to those dishes..... Ya know... if those dishes were somehow done... (insert wink wink) I would be SOOOO grateful... I would probably be VERY appreciative! ... (batting of eye-lashes noted)"

THATS RIGHT! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT EXTORTION TODAY!

Women, you know you do it! If you claim you don't: you are either lying, or trying to keep your husband from figuring out what is going on. Either way, shame on you!

So who has the power here, us or you?
Some would say you do because you are in power of with-holding something we want... then again I would say we are in power because while you might be able to go two months without, I can more easily go two or three months without lifting a finger around the house... I would even say I could go the rest of my life, and I am pretty sure any other man could as well. Let's face it, seeing a clean sink doesn't matter one bit to the average guy. So using labor as currency- I can just freely trade house work, right? WRONG!

While I can go a lifetime without ever doing another household chore, there is something I CANNOT go very long without, and thus you a the drug dealer (a lovely, pretty drug dealer... Hi Babe). Free samples during the honey moon, but now we must pay. Unfortunately doing things around the house is the only bargaining chip we have, WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE YOU WANT (as I understand it)!

So why is it that only women can employ this tactic?! I could never get away with saying:
"If you want those dishes done, you'll be in the bedroom when I'm done." If I said that, Macy would smirk and let me do the dishes and when I was done she would be in bed asleep, or pretending to sleep with a secret smile shared with the dark.
Likewise I could never say "Hey Baby, if the lawn were mowed... I would make it worth your while... Where are you going??? Why do you have the check book???"

And so we concede (with heavy sigh), women have the power. In the end the sexual revolution has resulted in the achievement women were looking for, equality, men doing housework and women being in control. . .

Note to future Brent:
When time travel is invented (by a man) explain to him the importance of going back in time to stop the women's sexual revolution. He is our only hope!

Now if you will excuse me... I have to finish some dishes and clean the stove before the dryer is done.

You make me sick...

2011-08-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

I saw something this morning that turned my stomach. The very fabric of society is being stretched to its limits and abused in ways that would make our founding fathers roll over and puke in their graves.
I am talking of course about those morons put on spandex suits and ride 10 speeds 20 miles each way... for fun.
I don't believe I have ever seen a woman trekking down a highway in head to toe racing spandex, which means it is yet another thing that only men seem stupid enough to engage in as a hobby.
WHY??? Why must you do this? I'm pretty sure you aren't breaking any world records, you aren't Lance Armstrong, you really need to worry about air resistance? Guess what, me stepping on the gas and blowing past you at 75mph hugging that inside lines you keep crossing is going to screw up your perfect time.
Im going to start wearing spandex to mow my lawn for my best time. Yeah, how would you like that?! You wouldn't! Because spandex should be out-lawed and so should bikes!
Share the road... Roads are for automobiles! You ride on the sidewalk where I am less tempted to run over you, on account of the curb posing a threat to my tire and rim.

And why is there even professional bike racing???
What does this contribute to society???

NOTHING. That's what.

The only thing it does is give jobs to little Indonesian kids who make spandex suits. There is no point! If you want to bike a bike like a normal person, I support you in the fullest. But when the spandex comes out and you start shaving you legs, we're done. You are now worth 600 points. 1,000 bonus points if I get you AND your bike stuck in my grill for any period of time.

Well I feel better.

Insert foot here

2011-07-27T16:41:00.000-04:00

When ever you start a new job there is a period of confusion where you are trying to figure out who everyone is, where everything is etc… Being a somewhat social person I am (yeah right, I hate people) I try to engage people (I don't know why I even try anymore). As one might expect learning 50 new names does not come quick, so I will just refer to people in general terms like: “Hey… Man.” , “How’s it going… you.”

Last week I was walking across the office and saw someone I had been introduced to the previous week but couldn’t recall a name. This person was walking with great determination so I said “Man on a mission!” … to which she replied...
(in case you missed that… SHE… The afore mentioned MAN on a mission…)
“What did you say?”

What else is there to do in that situation but just deny that you said anything at all.

"What? Nothing." I promptly sat down and hoped the beastly woman didn't accost me. I don't know if you noticed, but while I am 6'4" I weight 150lbs and could probably be picked up and broken in half by the right offended person...

Why do I even try? Go ahead, laugh it up! ;)

And now for a nerd joke (represent'in)

INSERT into tblMouth ('Foot') WHERE dbo.person.first_name IS ('Brent%') AND dbo.person.last_name IS ('Augustus')

And for the bonus points: Derivative dy = 3 r squared dr over 3y = r cubed over 3 where rate of change = r-squared DR or RD-R-R ;)

FYI: This is how it's done

2011-07-21T15:50:00.001-04:00

FYI: This is how you let go of someone! It's a little something call civility, appreciation and communication.

From: Kathy D
Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2011 3:39 PM
To: ALL-FTWN
Subject: Travis B announcement

It is with mixed emotion that I announce Travis B*** has accepted a position outside of Lincoln. In Travis’s 5 years at Lincoln, he has provided leadership and expertise in a variety of different roles. I would like to thank Travis for his dedicated work and contributions to the Lincoln Alliance® and SmartFuture® business most recently as Business Process Expert.

Please join me in thanking Travis for his years of service and wishing him all the best in his future endeavor.

Kathy Lincoln Financial Group
1300 S. Clinton Street; MS-6H12
Fort Wayne, IN 46802

Hello future.®
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Thoughts on an airplane

2011-07-10T19:21:00.005-04:00

I know how to use a seat-belt!

If the cabin has a sudden loss of pressure it's because there is a giant hole in it, I don't think I will breath normally into a tiny yellow cup with a bag that is not inflating, nor do I think it has a flow of oxygen, despite your disclaimer.

Wait it is a violation of federal to ignore ANY request or direction from the flight crew??? What if they tell me to do something gross?! Are they hiring?

That is the most angry looking flight attendant I have ever seen... I think she might be a sleeper terrorist.

The dog below us in the baggage compartment sounds really pissed off!

I think A: This male flight attendant really isn't gay!
B: He might also be in pain... that or he is really afraid of flying...

Who is this seat made for? Not someone who is 6'4"!
Maybe it is made for a small person with a deformed spine...

I quit.

2011-06-28T22:14:00.001-04:00

A fond chapter in my life closes as I leave the employment of Broadridge: Investigo.

The following is the letter I sent out to our entire company to announce my resignation.
I have returned to Lincoln Financial (who I worked for when we first moved to Indiana), the how and why is a story all it's own. I give you....
P.S. If you don't get the obvious overlap in the Bildo Baggins farewell speech from Lord of the Rings / do not appreciate it, get off my blog now. Go. Did they leave? Ok good.

The Resignation

From: Augustus, Brent
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 3:01 PM
To: AllExchangeUsers
Cc: Augustus, Brent
Subject: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye

My fellow employees,

It has been my honor working with most of you. 5 years is far too short a time to have lived among and worked with such admirable people such as yourselves.
I don’t know half of you as well as I should like, and I like half of you half as well as you deserve.

We have all been in the trenches together for a very long time. I am proud of the work we have done and the small role I have played in making Investigo what it is today. There is amazing talent and heart in this company, don’t ever loose either. I have commented countless times how this place really is like a family. I count many of you as my closest friends, and the risk of loosing those friendships pains me and makes this more difficult than it should be.

We’ll always have facebook and Rock-Band.

Feel free to email me, constantly if needs be : brentaugustus@gmail.com

Someone gave me wise advice a few weeks ago when he said: “Don’t be a moron, your entire life.”
This is me fulfilling that advice.

I regret to announce this is The End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.

;)

Radio contests are a scam!!! Mancow is the king

2011-06-09T09:25:00.000-04:00

Radio show contests are a scam. I have always thought so, and one specific radio show has always struck me as being shady. Mancow is the show. They frequently play movie clips or TV theme clips and want people to guess what it is from. Many times I KNOW I have the answer and when I call in they say "No, someone already guessed that." and then later I hear someone win with the same guess!!!

They get the answer quick, but thats not good radio, it wont get people yelling "That's from Billy Madison!". So they record the winner and play it later near the end of the show and then string the listeners along.

MANCOW IS A CROOK! And today I proved it....

Long have I been scheming and exacting my sting operation, and today I put it into action.

Mancow played a TV theme clip, I instantly knew what it was and called in to give them a false guess so they would put me on the air. You can play along.

Here was the theme quote from a popular 90's sitcom... Ready?

"What ever happened to predictibility? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.

Everywhere you look , everywhere you go. There's a heart. A hand to hold onto."

We all know its Full House! To make it eve easier Macow actually says the show had John Stamos on it...

I call in... I make the fake guess thats guaranteed to get attention: STEP BY STEP
No way anyone even remembers that show, let alone guess it!

They put me on the air... Big mistake.
(I mean come on, would YOU put me on the air if you had a radio show???
No, you wouldn't, because you know not to trust me.)
Mancow: "Brent, what's your guess?"

I go into action giving the REAL answer! "Mancow... It's FULL HOUSE!"
Mancow doesn't know what to do at this point so he panics, perhaps this has never happened before... How could anyone possibly figure out such a perfect scam?
He tries to cover up by saying "Uh, no, it is not Step by Step, thanks for guessing!" and hangs up.
I caught you, you sneaky deceitful radio show you! I caught you!!!

xoxo

Your biggest fan <--(apply sarcasm font here)

Air Worstener

2011-05-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

I have a question... Who is coming up with the scents of public restroom air "freshener" (I use the term loosely!)?

Who is the smarty pants cleaning lady (or homosexual man I guess) who think it would be a good/cute idea to put Cozy Foyer in the men's room in a thing that sprays it in the face of anyone over six feet tall, everytime something in the bathroom moves? I dont need to smell grandma's dusty lace pillows and old lady perfume popery when Im on the toilet!

Listen we have cockroaches (hard to spell for some reason, that reason is public school) in the bathroom at work... I would prefer the cockroaches not smell like ginger grapefruit crumpets ... Next they will be knitting doilies for birthday presents! In fact I would prefer you just stop making horrible scent combinations altogether and bring back the original public school restroom death scent.

nuff said

Horsey, horsey, horsey! Three horsies!

2011-04-04T08:19:00.006-04:00

I recently came across the following picture with the picture taker's account of how it came to pass and I could NOT pass up the opportunity to share....

"Lightning At Horse World a Black and white Color fine art Print."

I'm sorry we have to stop already. HORSE WORLD??? Where is this magical place my next family vacation will be?! This is an afterschool PBS show waiting to happen!

"This is the real deal. This is NOT a composite image. When I first saw this sculpture I thought it would be incredible with lightning striking."

Yeah, whenever I see a sculpture of horsies I think the same thing.
"For me it is like the lightning bolts hit and the Arabian horse reared, then the Quarter horse and Thoroughbred horse took off in different directions, making this all come alive!"

...(shakes head)
"It took me years to get this shot. It was one of the most dangerous photo shoot I have done. After years of waiting for the storms to be in the right place at the right time…."

I'm sorry, YEARS???
"... one night it happened. I was shooting in North Scottsdale Arizona and I noticed the storm down here. So I bee lined it for this location. So here I am shooting in the middle of the road with a medal tripod."

Was it a gold medal tripod?

"The lightning strikes were extremely close. Water was running at my feet getting me wet."

Water will do that.
"In the middle of the road with water at my feet and a medal tripod and lightning hitting feet away."

I'm sorry, it lightning is feet away, you get hit. So are we talking 1,000 feet away maybe???
"But this is the Shot…"
Because you are a homo.
"...this is the shot I have been waiting for for years."

Ho...

"And it is happening."

Mo.
"So I grin and bear it and hope of for the best. I can say my heart was racing."

Not from the lightning, from the realization of years of horsey dreams.

"Did not even know if I would get the shot or get killed. Well I got the shot."

Obviously.
"I love horses so this was a dream shot for me."

If only Fabio was sitting on the horse in the rain for you. . . (hmmm)

"I tell my customers the day I get struck these prints are going to be worth a lot more than you paid for them."

Can you really put a price on something like this??? I mean isn't THIS why the world priceless exists?

Special thanks to Adobe Photoshop :)

Hot tea anyone??

2011-03-16T13:21:00.005-04:00

I am back like a vertebrae! Back from Vietnam that is, and coming out of retirement to make a blog post it would seem. Maybe more will follow, who knows... What I do know is this:

A graffiti artist has embarked on a new project to "make a "difference" in people's lives with his street "art" made with yarn ..."

seriously.

Taking inspiration from Boston-based "Monk" and Minneapolis’ "Ewok" (I assume those are other retards... I mean street artists). “I liked how those artists specifically chose their locations well,” says HOTTEA, “Much of graffiti is all about placement.”

And spray paint... Don't forget spray paint... not yarn... spray paint. It also helps if you paint a picture or word or something.... Here is a project I have been working on, if the Indiana Parks and Rec would stop scrubbing it off the wall, maybe I would finish it someday!

My blood type's Krylon Techno-Color Type-A

HOTTEA explains the "project", developed after a trip to jail (which was yucky and scary), was also heavily inspired by past experiences: A grandmother teaching the skill of knitting, anti-gay bullying from kids at school.........halt.......... Ummmmm if you are wondering why you were beat up HOTTEA... I think I might have just figured it out.

“The HOTTEA project embodies the similarities and differences in all of us."
Like how some people knit and make things with yarn... and some people don't get the crap kicked out of them as adults.
"I wanted to base the project off an idea (that would require one) that had room for growth (what CAN'T you make out of yarn!). We are always growing as people (I'll take a large fry with that) and the dynamic between people gives endless possibilities... blah blah something else, and some other hippie crap.”

XOXO

The End

Lunch...OMG

2011-03-01T00:27:00.004-05:00

We just had Bun'Cha and Pho for lunch...... It might be the most amazing thing I have ever eaten.

Say hi to the chickens...

No facebook in Vietnam?!?!!!!

2011-02-28T12:17:00.003-05:00

No facebook in Vietnam?!?!?!!!!!!! How am I suppose to live for two weeks?

Luckily I've set blogspot to realy posts onto facebook for me.
If you want to communicate please dont facebook comment as we cant get them... go to http://brentalfloss.blogspot.com and leave a comment.

So here is whats up. The flights here took FOR-EV-ER... American Air SUCKS and screwed us like 10 times, but Japan Air is amazing and took care of us when American wouldn't!

We are in our hotel in Hanoi and its 12am Tuesday for us... 12pm noonMon for you guys on EST 10am for Utah! Just watched How I met your Mother and its about bed time!

Searched by the TSA

2011-02-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

Someone left a love note in my bag....

To protect you and your fellow passengers (as if!), the TSA is required by law to inspect all checked baggage (of persons who look like terrorists). As part of this process, some bags are opened and the physical content inspected (we smelled your underwear).

If the TSA pervert... we mean screener... was unable to open your bag for inspection because it was locked, the pervert... SCREENER may have been forced to break the locks on your bag. TSA "sincerely" regrets having to do this, however TSA is not liable for damage to your baggage and or locks.

We appreciate your understanding during this invasion, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

For packing tips and suggestions on how to secure your baggage during your next trip please visit www.thereisnothingyoucando.com

Please feel free to contact us with questions and comments at www.wedontreallycare.com/seriouslygoscrewyourselves or by calling us at 555-555-5555

Paul McCartney looks like a British woman...

2010-12-28T20:46:00.003-05:00

Susan Boyle is looking well these days . . .
That looks like who? Paul McCartney? Hmm. I don't see it.

A Christmas kind of blog: Toys that make noise... not for long.

2010-12-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

I enjoy trying to trick my kids into thinking their toys comes to life. Disney has helped me A LOT with the Toy Story movies. You would think their crying in fear in the night would bother me as their toys watch them, but not so much...

We have this Whinnie The Pooh talking story book and when the batteries started failing, it started going off at random. As the battery got lower, the recordings got slower, until eventually Whinnie the Pooh's laugh sounded more like Whinny McSatan the daemon bear at 2am when you are half awake on the toilet! I don't know what I thought I was going to do to a daemon with a Cutco knife as I sneaked into the family room, but what would you have done?! The same thing, that's what!

I was doing some Christmas shopping and a baby doll with motion detection came alive and scared me. I punched it in the face as I flinched.

I also saw a toy truck, in GIANT RED LETTERS the words "I CAN TALK!" were on the box. "Ummm, k. I guess I am NOT buying you!"
Come on! Are you marketing for my three year old who not only can't read but has no money? If you want the parent to buy the toy, how about putting this on the box "I CAN WHISPER!" or "I am as quiet as the dead!"

How about a secret switch hidden inside with the batteries for WHISPER MODE, where the child has to be quiet and listen to hear the noises? EVERY PARENT WOULD WANT ONE! Tell me you wouldn't buy that just because its the only whisper toy on the market!

I am convinced that grandparents are trying to punish their children by buying their grandchildren toys they know will annoy them! I know when I buy something I think, "Ok as a parent would I want this in my house?" If the answer is no, why would I do that to someone else??? Oh, because the kid will like it? Give me a break, my kids have a solar powered calculator they call a "super computer" and is frequently held in higher value than anything that blinks and beeps!
You know what I call a present that makes noise?
A: Something to throw at a opossum
B: Donation to Good-Will or D.I.

C: Going to get stabbed in the speaker with my swiss army knife to reduce the volume FOR GOOD.
D: Going to "mysteriously" disappear and my kids will never notice.

The answer is ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Merry Christmas!

Post Twilight Depression

2010-12-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I'm not an Anti-Twilight, so don't sharpen your vampire slaying stick and hide in the back seat of my car just yet. I have seen all of the movies thus far and will continue.

There is a new physiological disorder being documented, a unique form of depression effecting women (and gay men) ages 12-65. The disorder is called "Post Twilight Depression" (or clinically Post Obsessive Disillusioned Depression).

Have no fear, I am here to help you understand the disorder and make it through this thing!
(Stay with me here ;)

Here's a real life account of someone "suffering" from Post-Twilight Depression.

"It's like a drug,” writes Ally. “I have to read it or I break down crying. It’s awful. I don’t want to tell anyone about it. But I fear it’s unhealthy..." (fear substantiated) My husband finally came to me and said, ‘I think you love “Twilight” more than you love me. I ended up moving out of the house and fought for my marriage for six weeks and getting rid of all my Twilight dolls and posters. I had to take a step back and detox myself from ‘Twilight.’ I was really angry that I had allowed it to suck me in. Now I meet women every single day where ‘Twilight’ has become a major issue in their marriage.” ...........no words here.............

The disorder is described as: As result of the complex mixed feeling of wondering awe and devastating sadness when a person (female) finishes the last book of the Twilight saga to realize the series is over, the journey is at an end, life no longer has meaning.

Progression and Phases of Post Twilight Depression:

Disbelief / Isolation and withdraw
The initial shock may cause the person to refuse to believe the series is over and withdraw from interactions with others to maintain distance from any situation or conversation that might force them to confront the truth... That they are a freak.
Anger
Once the individual has gotten passed the initial disbelief and shock it is common to feel anger, either aimed at characters of the book, Stephanie Meyer the author, boy friend or spouse (unlikely) or those douche bags who speak against the series (Also known as an Anti's or one who is Anti-Twilight, how dare they!!!).
One sixteen year old girl acted out against an Anti classmate, going all Victoria on her, attempting to slit her throat in Algebra. I hate math too, so I am going to pardon this one.
Bargaining
Once the rage subsides the individual may begin to deal with the stress by attempting to bargain the pain away. The individual may attempt to contact the author to coax her into somehow continuing the series, suffering from the cognitive bias that leads them to believe they are somehow more special than other batcrap crazy fans and will make a difference. Or just resort to writing their own continued stories of Twilight... Totally normal.
Depression
This is the dark state of depression where the individual will spend the most time, in a deeply numb, grief stricken, withdrawn, hopeless state of existence. (Nods head) Yep.
Acceptance
Finally the individual will come to terms with the end of the Twilight series and realize
ITS A FREAKIN BOOK ABOUT SPARELY VAMPIRES........... GET OVER IT!

Twilight Depression is a serious condition affecting as many as six women. If you think you might be suffering from Twilight Depression seek professional help from a qualified mental health professional... or a unqualified one... In fact yes, the less qualified the better!

Jury Duty part 5?

2010-12-07T08:37:00.000-05:00

I got another Jury selection survey in the mail... My fifth in the last couple years?

Indiana, REALLY??? We're doing this again? Do you have NO idea who I am? Guess not.
Utah would, and never did, make this mistake, let alone for a fifth time.

I am pretty sure I am on several black lists for Jury Duty in Utah. The only way I would get Jury Duty in Utah would be on VHS from ebay, or as a trick to get me into a court room to answer some question for the DA.

Seriously, is this some kind of judicial karma? (I was a bad teenager!)

If you haven't had one of these surveys before, they ask you things like:

Are you a cop? No.

Do you work for the government? Not that I can talk about.

Is your role with your company so important that operation would cease in your absence? As much as I would like to think so...

The problem I see with this survey is, it asks me "Have you ever been convicted of a state or federal crime?" CONVICTED? Well no... It should ask: "Have you ever been guilty of, regardless of prosecution and or conviction, a state or federal crime?"

Now that would cause me pause.

Everyone chilax...

2010-12-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

Er'body take a chill-pill, I did...

I'm not an addict it's cool, I feel alive.

- That song by KC's Choice from the 90's came on the other day after I popped a Vicodin at work AFTER THE DENTIST. I just want to make that part clear.

I am not a drug addict ok??? BUT... A recent dental experience resulted in me being on Vicodin for two days at work, two awesome days. In this case narcotics have caused me to re-evaluate my attitude toward work and I have a new philosophy: Work like you're high!

(My manager is reading this right now, but guess what Kevin... not writing on company time, so pay attention! ;)

Here is what I learned from being on drugs:

It's all good! Don't stress out, you'll kill someone's buzz, probably your own.

Calm down, nothing you do in that 8 hours is going to matter to you in 10 years.

Laugh. Have a cookie or sixteen.

People who say "It is what it is" are douche bags who don't want to resolve the real issue, because of laziness or incontinence... or incompetence.. or all three!

With that said, I haven't blogged much this year, and I think it's because I've been stressed.
(That will change for at least the next week...) It's hard to come up with random funny rants about things when you are trying to analyze what is wrong with Pizza Hut's pepperoni implementation processes and writing letters suggesting they give customers a scope statement outlining of cheese / sauce / meat ratios and volumes to establish a standard expectation going into the pizza purchase agreement. People don't find that stuff funny (Pizza Hut on Coliseum sure didn't...)

I didnt think I was that stressed, but spend a day on narcotics and you realize, "Wow, I was kinda stressed".

I'm going to eat some cookies and milk for breakfast now.

Peace Out

Google racist against vampires

2010-12-01T13:06:00.001-05:00

55th Anniversary of Rosa Parks bus protest. Happy aniversary Rosa Parks. 55 years later the least black man is President (No not George Bush). If that doesn't make sense... I am still on Vicodin.

Why is that white child the only one with a shadow???
Are you trying to say black children are vampires Google? You racists. You make me sick.

(Drools trying to spit in protest) Crap.

Post dentist Vicodin rant

2010-12-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

Dude.... dude... All I have had for breakfast is a Wendy's Frosty and Vicodin.

Not recreational, I have a scrip (prescription), from the dentist yo. So I am totally going to blog while high on this Vicodin. I am so at work right now!

Is my keyboard moving? I am slightly inebriated (You KNOW I used spell check on that one!)

I totally went to the dentist and got a filling and she was drilling and then there was a pop and she goes "What the heck? What just happened?" and I was like "I don't know, you're the dentist..." and she goes "There is a lot of blood, we're going to get the bleeding stopped and then see whats going on." So I guess she found a blood supply that wasn't where it should be. She said she's never seen that before, I told her I've never punched a dentist in the face before either.

This is the same dentist office where I told the assistant I knew I had a cavity because I drank a Mnt Dew and thought I was going to die and with concern worn face she said "You thought you were going to die?!"

You know you want to go to my dentist.

Is this real life? I have two fingers.. I have four fingers. I killed a smurf and now my hand is blue... No I didn't, but a pen broke in my pocket and my hand is blue, so people think I'm having a stroke. I can't move the right side of my mouth / face and my right hand is bluish... and I smell waffles.

(Is this 500 words yet? Essay's are hard!)

Being at work is the best! I am a business analyst, right.. I don't think I should be analyzing anything businessy today, but neither can I drive for the next like 4 hours, so it's all good!
I'll just color spreadsheets with crayons and then take a nap, drink some juice and watch Star Wars.

So in closing, vote for me and all of your wildest dreams will come true.

XOXO

Peace out

Kind of like a thanksgiving post

2010-11-24T14:46:00.001-05:00

Historically I make a Thanksgiving related blog post... But I just found out I drank a glass of milk that expired two days ago, and I'm not feeling too thankful...

Alas, I am thankful for a happy healthy family, and our new garage! ;) Speaking of the garage. I am thankful it takes up 1378 square feet of grass I use to have to mow... but now I have to snow blow 700 square feet of it...

In other news: While snow blower shopping I found THIS!!!

The MAN-PLOW

No, not THIS Man-Plow...

THIS MAN PLOW!!!

The ManPlow snow removal system! With MANPLOW snow shovels your not lifting
the snow, your pushing it! That sounds easier... Those guys with the plows on large trucks with confederate flags and testicles hanging off the rear bumper are probably just using the 1 ton vehicle to stay warm.

Truck Balls...

That's just silly... everyone knows Ford trucks have no balls.

Little Sophie

2010-10-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Quite the day.
Our little Sophie Muffin dodged behind the van and Macy's aunt and uncle's house this morning and was hit by a car. She was thrown under a parked car on the street, which I am told she crawled out from under.
Macy's cousin Alana called me at work and said the Ambulance was taking her to the Huntington Hospital. I bolted from my desk without a word to anyone. In other news a huge storm system was descending on us and it picked the moment I left to start blowing down trees and torrential rain, taking out the power from my office all the way out of town, cars lined up everywhere, no stop lights. About the time I was to the edge of Fort Wayne Alana called me to tell me to turn back because they were bringing her into Fort Wayne to the Pediatric Trauma Unit at Lutheran, if I wasn't already freaked out... That did it.
Longest 20 minutes of my life!
When the ambulance showed up I could see Macy's cousin's wife riding shot gun, I popped the back door open and jumped on in and she did not look good. By this time family and friends across the country were informed and praying for her. There was a full pediatric trauma unit of about 12 people waiting for her. She looked pretty bad. Her jaw looked disjointed and her chin was split open down to the muscle. The initial comments and assumptions where that her jaw was broken and they expected internal damage and head trauma. When she and I got back from the CTC (Cat Scan) we had the missionaries, Uncle Chad, and two of the three Dr. we go to church with waiting (Dr. Wes Bott and Dr. Eric Swinson AKA "Look, it's Celeste's Daddy, does he work here?").
The test results came back on our little miracle child and she didn't have a single broken bone, no internal bleeding, no concussion... No broken jaw even. Uncle Ryan (Dr. Hart, child dentist) said what may have happened was a dislocation.
However... Our friend Wes (Dr. Bott) came to ask me if I knew Sophie didn't have a left kidney... NOPE! (Sidenote: Macy had a kidney removed as a baby, and their guess, it's something genetic. No worries though, shouldn't cause her any trouble, Macy has been fine her whole life on one kidney. Wes and Eric got to observe the suture and I think learned a trick on stitches. She fell asleep while being stitched. When she woke up she said "I have to tell you something." Everyone paused to see what she would say... "I got runned over by a car. You have to just hold me." Talk about breaking your heart!!! Poor baby! The trauma surgeon pointed out the black on the side of her face looked like tire mark. We are still unsure which car, but we feel lucky she was thrown into another car rather than onto the asphalt which is really unforgiving.
She's resting comfortably in the Pediatric ICU tonight for observation.
Only Super Sophie could walk away from something like this. Everyone keeps saying she must be surrounded by angels! They say they get these cases all the time and they are almost never this happy of an ending. She should recover very quickly.
Thank you all for your faith and prayers!

Ke$ha...

2010-09-29T09:54:00.001-04:00

I like to bash on music and how most of the "music" out in the market today is just pull of lazy cheap ploys.

I recently heard a song by Kesha (if you just said "Who?" I envy you. Oh how I envy you...)
(technically its Ke$ha... Wow that was hard to type using a $ for she S... How do the kids do that?!)

And I quote...

"And now the dudes are line'n up cuz they hear we got swagger, but we kick'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger!"

Wait..... wait... THIS Mick Jagger?!

This is like the kid I saw in Wal-mart wearing the ACDC shirt and I said "Nice shirt" and he was all "Yeah, thanks!" and then I asked him to name an ACDC song and he was like "uhhhhhh....."

Altogether now: POSER's!

Seriously.... you might want to fire whoever writes your songs little girl.

Hey man, Im cool!

2010-09-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

I was in Walmart like a year ago and saw an kid wearing an AC/DC shirt and I said "Nice, shirt. Quick name three AC/DC songs." And he was like "I can't..." Thats because you are a little poser!

Recently I was walking into Wal-mart (why do so many of my blog posts take place in Wal-mart?) and there were these two kids... kids... they were probably like 22, listen to me I sound like Im 85! These two whipper snappers were a boy and a girl, both dressed in black, he had long hair, hers was blonde and bright red in pigtails, baggy pants and a SlipKnot T-Shirt (thats a rock band the kids listen to). Basically they looked like I did when I was 17. And they were playing Hacky-Sack!

I didn't know they still made Hacky-Sacks!

So they are kicking it bakc and forth and she misses so with my cat lick reflexes, I risk breaking a hip, and I make the save and kick it over to him for the save. He says "Awesome! Dude you wanna play Hacky?!"

The girl busts up laughing and says "Stop talking to people. You don't ask people like him to play Hacky!"

People like HIM?! What the crap does that mean?! People like him.

You didn't even see my swagger wagon (minivan).

I didn't sell out, ok? I bought in! And I'll take both of you on! Let's go!
I was playing Hacky when you were in diapers, ok!
And what does that mean, people like HIM. What genre have you assigned me to? If I labeled you, you would be all kinds of bent out of shape, but oh how quick to judge are the none judgmental.
I'm every bit as hardcore as you... aight?

(Flash back: One day I came out of the office and a homeless man started following me yelling "Look at you Mr. Business Tycoon with your fancy pants and shoes!"
I still don't understand that, as I was wearing Jeans and a Nirvana T-shirt... JEANS AND A NIRVANA SHIRT!)

Just because I am wearing button fly jeans from GAP, vintage band shirts, slip on shoes and can quote almost every Disney movie doesn't mean I am not still young, cool and hardcore.... Right? RIGHT??? Someone?

Is anyone else having trouble breathing? I smell burnt toast... You guys smell that right?
Im going to lay down.

XOXO

Im such a poser (Its cool, I feel alive)

Dear Taco Bell

2010-07-20T12:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Taco Bell,

I am writing to you to ask that you respectfully return control of my bowels. I must admit, I am confused at this sudden turn in our relationship. I don't know what I have done to do that warrants you treating me this way. I thought we were in a good place, but then you pull this?!

In the begining we did not always get along, but over the years we have built a solid foundation in overlooking each others flaws. In the old days I use to visit you at all hours of the night, in the clothes I had worn for multiple days and the pizza stain on my shirt and your employees didn't always wash their hands and your spokesman was a freakin crack addicted dog. Still we grew a mutual respect and admiration.

We have got along in harmony for years. Why would you choose now to turn on me like this? I just don't understand. I will be fine no doubt, but this betrayal will take time for me to get over. Eventually and slowly we can and will rebuild the trust and I will give you another shot. Please don't take it for granted.

In the mean time must request you give me some time and space and leave me alone, for now. Please it's the least you can do after all we have been through. Just leave me...

Brent

Jury Duty...

2010-06-30T08:35:00.000-04:00

Ah Jury Duty... No, not the movie, the actual letter in the mail.

I got a Jury Summons. Not just Jury Duty, but Jury Duty in a federal court! Now I know the whole civil duty, price of living in a country where we have the benefits of trial by peers looking to get even and some stuff and such, blah blah... at first I was like "Oh crap! Come on! Must get out of this..."

I started thinking of ways to get thrown out of Jury Duty. Maybe wear an empty gun holster into court and tell them my gun is in the car because I believe crime is caused by a lack of fire power! If every child in school had a gun they would all be so afraid of each other there wouldn't be any bullying or school shootings! (after the first week)

Plus I believe an alien robot name Xenu who lives in the sky is the only one who can judge we human's... with his friend the spaghetti monster of course and a giant lie detector. Those two can't go to the bathroom without each other! (They so crazy!) What do you mean thats an actual religion, I just made that up! Seriously??? Tom Cruise goes to that church? Ok, whatever.

Then I got reading this jury summons.

Federal Court? That sounds like something awesome happened! Plus I get 4 days off work??? AND I get paid $40 a day in addition to my paid time off??? AND FREE LUNCH?!!!?!?!?!

BRENT AUGUSTUS REPORTING FOR JURY DUTY YOUR HIGHNESS!

Seriously, why are people trying to get out of this? Plus it's very likely I may need a Jury someday, I don't need that kind of karma waiting around!

Suggestions people have had for me should I want to get out of Jury Duty:

Rant about gun rights and make racist comments about the lawyers (especially if they are white!).
Wear pajama's.
Talk to the voices and consult them before answering questions.
Tell them you are Mormon... just sayin.
Fake a seizure.
Take a copy of the Koran to read.
Wear that shirt to court! (It was a Kurt Cobain shirt! Leave Kurt out of this!)

Maybe the trial will be against Courtney Love for killing Kurt Cobain! FINALLY! JUSTICE!

Stay Tuned... More to come...

BMI... BS

2010-06-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

When I was 17... it was a very good year... I don't really remember the rest of that song.

Im surprised I remember that much!

I recently had a biometric screening which confirmed that I am still under weight.. and the nurse gave me some crap about watching that.... Yeah thanks lady, my underweightness (its a word) is something I have battled my whole life. That's right I eat like this to try and cling to every empty calorie possible. My BMI number was the first number on the scale.

Since I was 16, I have listened to people tell me "Oh some day it will catch up with you" (I believe the last time was in that biometric screening... Man I hated that nurse.) Well I guess you are all right... kind of... People waited with baited breath after I got married to watch the pounds pack on... and they did: All 4 of them!

Then people waited for my mid twenties and I lost that 4 lbs :(

Your unwell-wishing has paid off in a sense though, thanks to that biometric screening we now know that my cholesterol is too low.

There are two types of cholesterol, LDL and HDL (My life is informative as well as entertaining to watch) LDL bad, HDL good... unless you are like me and your HDL is too low and then that is bad. Funny thing? I have been eating oatmeal every morning for the last year... off set by giant cookies from Loaf'n Ladle.

Guess I better start eating more guacamole, cheese and ice cream...

Daddy cries because you're naughty!

2010-06-07T08:45:00.000-04:00

(Hang in there, this one will take a minute for you to see where it is going)
This Thursday the family and I will be embarking on a cross country drive "vacation" to Colorado and then Utah. To help manage the "chillins" I bought a DVD system with DIVX player so I can connect up movies from our home theatre PC for hours and hours of Disney magic in the car without actually bringing DVD's for the kids to scratch and ruin.

I got two LCD screens mounted into headrests so the kids each have a screen I can remove so they dont whine about wanting a movie every time we are in the car for more than 2 minutes, and cant be stolen from inside the house. Great idea right?

WRONG! The beautifulness lasted about 30 minutes and came to a screeching halt when Sophie proclaimed "I'm drawing!"
.............................. You... WHAT?!

Crayon comes off of LCD for the most part, even ink is manageable with minimal damage...
Do you know what LCD screens hate?
The metal tips of headphones!

Good thing we were already home or I may have wrecked the car into a corn field. After informing Sophie that she ruins everything she "draws" on (clothes, walls: we recently had to paint a kitchen wall an accent color to hide ink, computer desks, etc...) Vivian said her bedtime prayer, of which I quote for you now: "And thank you for the special TV's my dad got for our drive to Colorado, and Jesus hope they aren't ruined."

Hard to stay mad at the two year old following that line from the 4 year old!

Am I borring?

2010-05-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

I use to have lots of random funny thought to think and blog about... not any more!

My job has sucked the creativity right out of my life.

I can longer seem to find creative ways of explaining things, so I break everything down into bracketed scales, and schematic like drawings and technical specification terms like "What do you want to eat?" A normal person would just go "Oh the Soup Du'jour . That sounds good, I'll have that!" Not me...

"What do I want to eat? Well let's analyze..."

Create table of food on menu that sounds good.

9oz Sirloin

Salmon Sashimi

Seafood Ravioli

Then add take the base value of what sounds good (2) over the value of everything else (1), assign weighed factor values for things like things I haven't had recently (+2), things that contain elements of favorite food (a separate table)

Food Elements Weighted value Beef +4 - +5 (pending cut of beef) Seafood If lobster +3 / If Shrimp +2 Cream sauce / Alfredo +2 Mushrooms +1

So if I haven't recently had seafood ravioli and the menu contains Lobster Ravioli in Alfredo???

9oz Sirloin just might loose out.

This is the the excitement that is now my life. Don't you feel bad for Macy?

My kids are trying to kill me Part 2

2010-04-11T23:49:00.001-04:00

I say this somewhat frequently, but I really do think "my kids are trying to kill me" Part 2

This would be the face of Sophie, whos favorite thing to say right now is "How'bout a little fire scarecrow?"

This evening 2 year old Sophie had to have a bath after she came into the family room in the midst of a family function, her dress (that she wasn't wearing ten minutes earlier) soaked, smelling very strongly of our had soap, her face, arms and hair wet and sticky with unwashed soap. I took her to the kitchen sink to wash her up to her arms when I finally gave in that the child would need a full bath as the soap was all the way up to her cheeks and all over in her hair.

About the time I finished giving her the requisite bath, and was toweling her off I noticed the water all over the floor in a semi-circle infront of the toilet... and further the soap smeared all over the toilet seat. To which when asked, she replied "Yeah I went 'Splash splash splash!"
BACK INTO THE BATH-TUB WITH THAT ONE!

Round two, HAZMAT style detox scrubbing bubbles!

11:45 pm (Macy is in the bedroom laughing as I type, because we were just in the bathroom and as soon as I put my toothbrush in my mouth I had to restrain from vomiting as the, what can only be described as "distinct" taste of hand soap and toothpaste attacked my tongue.

Just in case you haven't put the two together, as it took me a minute (hence Macy's musing), that is one child splashing in a toilet smearing soap on the seat.... one tooth brush that tastes like soap.... No video evidence, but make you deductions.

As my loving wife put it "What's done is done, it is what it is. Don't kiss me."

Difference between boys and girls

2010-04-08T22:12:00.001-04:00

Short and to the point

Girls and Boys are different...

No seriously. I'm sure there is some kind of physical difference, other than the long hair, and maybe someday Macy will tell me what it is.

I have two girls and a boy and so far all I know is they are different right from the get go!

Examples:

Both girls took to walking and talking pretty early while Nathan is lazy and doesn't care what you want him to do.

The girls wake up relatively early, Nathan sleeps late and takes several naps.

My girls instantly took to dolls... being that they leave them laying in every room of the house, and even pretend the Bath & Body soap pumps are princesses and make them toilet paper-beds to sleep awaiting their prince charming's... Nathan has plenty of access to dolls and any number of glittered horsies and other girl crap... But my boy has been going for the trucks and rolling them back and forth since he could barely crawl!

My girls cannot be kept out of makeup and smearing red lip stick all over their faces and glitter all over the floors.

I use to steal the red dry-erase markers from all of my teachers over-head projector's to use as removable blood for my G.I. Joe battle sequences.

My girls named the turtle I brought home "Princess Turtle Honey".... and refused to touch it becauseher shell was too dirty and yucky.

Nathan likes to eat dirt. . . (So do I. . . )

Quality Electric and Wabash "Wabatucky" City Court

2010-03-26T19:44:00.000-04:00

I think I have calmed down enough to blog about this. (Must... control... rage...)

Some of you might know I recently had to have a repair made to our electric meter. So I called around for quotes and made the mistake of calling one "Quality Electric" out of Wabash (Also known as Wabatucky). The guy wasn't very helpful and couldn't give me a quote or date and time he could do it but wanted to talk to our utility company to find out when they could be out to turn off the power so they could work on it. I never talked to them again.

An hour or so later I found an electrician who could make the repair and start on it before I got home for work.

TWO DAYS LATER...

I walk out the front door to go to work only to find Quality Electric on my porch.
"I didn't tell you guys to come out... I'm waiting for you to call back! And I already found someone who made the repair."

Service man tells me thats ok, no problem... Yeah no problem until I got a $96 bill in the mail!

I wrote a nice letter explaining the situation to the owner and how I never once told them it was ok to come out and make the repair and apologized for the misunderstanding. He replied with small claims court.

So I went to court this week. . .

I love/hate court. I think it stems to a teenage condition in which I am expecting them to say "While you are here... We found this warrant! And you fit the description on a few cases..."

I walked in, checked in with the court clerk like you are suppose to, sat in the lobby and waited.

Before court starts an old guy walks in and yells into the clerk "Hey Sue!" she replied "Morning Larry!"

"I hope thats not Larry the owner of Quality Electric... If so this may not bode well for me."

In the court room I am the 2nd person called (alphabetical order and all) but the Judge pauses looking at the file and then says "Umm, why don't you sit back down, we are going to do this one later."

Come to find out Quality Electric was taking 3 other people to court that day! The Judge even joked that it was "Quality Electric Day" which he and Larry had a good chuckle over. When it finally came time for me to have my day in court... We explained our sides of the story, which was the same actually.

"So you never spoke to me again?"

"No I did not, I tried your cell phone all day."

"I don't have a cell phone."

"Well I left a voice mail."

"I never got a voice mail."

"I left one."

"At what number?"

"260-471-1886.

"My office number???"

Judge: "Well how many people are in your office, two?"

"Try 52."

Judge: "I find it unacceptable that you couldn't do the courtesy of returning a voice mail in almost 48 hours. I find in favor of the plaintiff."

"Your honor can I respond to that?"

Judge: "No... well you can but it won't change my mind."

Wait it gets better! I left the court room PISSED! As the door shut behind me I can hear the two talking and laughing. So I try to go back in the court room but the door is locked. I waited in the lobby for 10 minutes before I went to the car. That's right, Larry is a member of the chamber of commerce in Wabatucky and pals with the judge!

In short... Please pass along what a cheat Larry Hoover and Quality Electric are! Also don't ever get your self into a court room in Wabash!

XOXO - Trying to not vomit in rage!

Pump! You up!

2010-01-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

I have fun coming up in 2010:
~~Trip 1: To Snowboard back home in the Rocky Mountains of UTAH~~
June is when I will attempt to climb Mount. Timpanogos, the third highest in the Utah Rockies with a 7,000 foot ascent.

I say attempt because the most likely result will be me being carried off the mountain on oxygen in a helicopter. Why? Well a couple of reasons: I haven't done any serious climbing since, oh, like the fall just before I met Macy, and the last couple of years the most exercise I have been getting is walking from the parking lot to my office.

I remember well the day the elevator was broken last year and walking up 4 stories I almost passed out. I thought, wow I need to get in shape! One year later I thought, wow I should get in shape, which is funny because I've had that thought two and three and four and five years previous.
"Wait, Brent, you are the skinniest person we know!"
That is because of my amazing metabolism that forces me to eat junk food and not work out to keep the lbs off. If I ate decent and got exercise I would put on 10 lbs easy. When it comes to exercise I have a motto: "Sounds too hard, where are the cookies?" I don't know that it's really a motto... I don't even know what's a motto (Nothing what's a motto with you?! LOL)
(Macy rolls eyes here)

So determined to climb Timp I am now forced to get into some kind of shape. So what to do? How to prepare to make a multi thousand foot vertical climb when 4 floors of stairs at work kicked my butt? Conquer the stairs! All 24 floors of them! Three times a week! Twice in a row! (Well not at first)

Week 1: You're a disappointment to yourself and others!
Psyched up and feeling ready I start in the basement. 5 Floors later is my office... I should probably check my email and get a drink and finish the other 19 floors after I catch my breath.
30 minutes later: "This still counts right?"
15th Floor: "I can see through my hand like Marty McFly! Elevator down? Sounds good."
Time: 7:10:00

Week 2: 24 Floors in 5 minutes.
Ready set... Go! I started out good and strong. 5th floor I hear my email calling my name... but I do not give in! I know, right?! 10th floor my legs are burning as are my lungs.
10th Floor: Brent's heart: "Ok, you need to stop this silliness. Seriously!
17th Floor: "Oh a drinking fountain! Ok, stop here but walk down."
Time: 7:30:00

Week 3: Try try again.
12th Floor: Out of breath but I can make it!
20th Floor: "Holy crap! Ok, there's a bathroom, go sit on a toilet and catch your breath. I don't care what the people in the law firm on the 20th floor think about the noise! Maybe they will call an EMT" I walked back down on my own! I almost passed out when my legs started to give out going down the 10th floor.
Time: 6:35:00

Week 4: Ok now do it again!
Attempt 1
15th Floor: Wow I can still breath!
24th Floor: Wow things are starting to spin! I'm going to sit here a minute before I walk down.
Time: 5:20:00

Attempt 2
15th Floor: Wow my legs burn a lot more than usual but still good.
24th Floor: I can still see! Lungs not burning too much. Legs still have feeling!
Time: 5:10:00

Week 5: No biggy. I can now do bottom to top two days apart without being too shaky coming back down and not too sore the next day.

Look forward to my blog about climbing the mountain. Or rather the transcript my my hospital bed at University of Utah Medical Center.

Wish me luck!

XOXO
Where my cookies at?!

O-M-Prah

2010-01-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Oprah...

We've had a rough relationship, I gave you a chance in the early mid 2000's and we had a good run! Geez after Tom Cruise was on I was afraid to NOT watch you for fear I would miss something that insane again!

But alas you started getting more and more crazy and started the equivalent of the Church of Oprah and bought your own magazine, radio network and TV network, you went all two faced political... You lost me at the whole "Everyone needs to find their true self" crap.

I am anti Leno these days, and thus this creates a void in night-time television. The other night I was going through the channels and saw something that made me stop. They replay Oprah at like 10 something. It was this teenage boy who was like 580lbs and his friends and family put him on A&E's Intervention (did I spell that right?). This kid knew he had a problem and his dad was making him ice cup-cakes and the kid was like "You realize this is like sitting an alcoholic down at a bar and telling him he can't touch a drop right?" This was the part that got me to stop for a minute and watch. I swear this kids 500lbs Dad's response was to pickup an iced cupcake and shove the whole thing in his mouth in front of the kid who threw down his knife (rather than plunging it into his father's throat) and walked out.

Now at this point I am interested... I'm giving you a chance Op! And then you went all Maury Povich on me. It wasn't good enough that this kid lost half his body weight.

"It wasn't until you overcame the addiction that you found your true self... Why don't you tell everyone about that." To which the kid replies... "Yes, I found out that I am gay, that is who I am."
Oh frickin come on! Everytime I give you a chance you let me down Oprah! You let me down!

Maybe his true self was being 600lbs and society said that wasn't ok. Aren't you really just denying him from his real love of food?!

XOXO

You let me down

Not for the faint

2010-01-01T00:30:00.000-05:00

I have this need to know every nook and cranny of my office building. I think it is because I fully expect to have to seek shelter in a good hiding place, Ala John McClane: Die Hard, when someone I work with finally looses it and starts shooting up the place. Anyway, I have explored empty offices on the 22nd floor, unknown stairwells, back doors, crawl spaces. But until today I didn't know I had a key that opens an ancient bathroom in our building!
Needing to go to the restroom I tried the bathroom that requires my key, finding it occupied I decided to try the door next to it. This door has no sign and is unsuspecting, but bathrooms usually come in twos, so what the hey. It worked!

The bathroom has been sealed off from humanity for many years, a time capsule of what once was. The wall paper is intact, a 60 year old chair in the corner, probably used for breast-feeding children who are now on Social Security, and a likewise 60 year old tampon dispenser is on the wall. The soap dispenser still half full of a strangely crystallizing dark pink soap, hung on the wall is yellowing plastic. The air.... Well its a bathroom no one has been in for years, INCLUDING THE CLEANING CREW!

I looked up to find a nest of cockroaches in the corner. I fled the scene. Later I told the story and a bunch of us took multiple tours to see the nest of 9 bugs. Mike would decide they are "ARMY ROACHES". Two of which were fornicating! Well not under the watch of me and my co-conspirator Jason! We went back armed. Myself with keyboard cleaner which when coming out of the can is about -1,000,000 degrees if you hold it upside down. So that's what I did.
Holding the can upside down I sneaked upto the bugs and pulled the trigger....

Do you know what happens when you spray air and liquid into a corner above you???? You don't? It comes back at you. Whatever is on the wall flies off and ALSO COMES BACK AT YOU!

I am not ashamed to say I did what anyone would have done... I screamed and flailing my hands about, I stumbled backward over the 60 year old feeding chair and into the wall, then onto the floor, which happened to be where the bugs also landed (something about gravity goes here).

Jason (whom I am so glad was there to witness this) then stepped around me and armed with cleaning spray easily took care of the bugs from a safe distance.

Sorry if there are typing errors, every time I think I see something move near my desk I jump.

XOXO
WHAT WAS THAT?! Oh its my stapler, phew!

I cant feel my toes...

2009-12-31T09:31:00.000-05:00

Last week on Christmas Eve I slipped and fell, it left a very nice bruise on my hip and hurt very much bad. Last night I had to retrieve something I left in the rain gutter while I was roofing our porch this fall. Stretched out of an upstairs window I strained to pull the ice encased object from the gutter while beating it with a framing hammer and trying to chip away the ice. Finally it came free only to fall on the roof. No problem, let me just flatten myself in the windowcile and lean out there and pick it up.
Suddenly stinging pain shot throughout my body, I had no breath as it had all suddenly escaped me, and I couldn't see anything. If you don't know, our house is like 120 years old, which means the windows are 120 years old, which means they are basically made from 2x4's and leaded glass, which means they weigh about 2,000 lbs each.

Or at least that is how much they feel like when they come crashing down into your spine like a guilitine. The other thing about windows that old, the bottom is not flat, it is cut at an angle so water doesn't travel up and under the window. Like a blade. Like a spinal cord severing blade.
After I started breathing again I began seeing if I could wiggle my toes... Only I couldn't see them. I couldn't see anything! I WAS BLIND! And it was getting cold.... So cold....
Oh wait, it was like 10pm, that would explain the blindness and it was like 20 degrees out side and I was hanging out a 2nd story window, that would explain the cold.

None the less, unable to wheeze for help, I could wrap myself in fire crackers and jump through a flaming hoop and Macy wouldn't hear me from the other end of the house down stairs. It was up to me to somehow regain movement in my arms and get the window up and crawl back inside. Or I could just die there... I hear freezing to death isn't a bad way to go... but how long would that take with my back half in a warm house.... probably a week.

Long story short I chose life and fought my way back in! I seem to be ok but if I suddenly fall down and cant move... I'm probably just napping.

Tis the Season ...?

2009-11-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

The day before Halloween I was in Walmart and they had already condenced their merchanidce into discount piles and brought in Christmas crap. The day after Halloween they started playing Christmas music and I almost ran my car into a light pole just to put an early end to it all!

Speaking of which, what is up with the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year"? There is a line where they talk about traditions and one of them is telling "scary ghost stories" .... What kind of Christmas tradition is that?! "Kids let's gather around and celebrate the birth of the savior with some scary ghost stories!" "Yeay!"

AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS ARE IN THE FRIDGE!

Oooh speaking of... Jones Soda, known for their crazy and usually amazingly bold flavors of soda, cashes in as the ultimate abuser of the holidays with.......
JONES SODA HOLIDAY MEAL IN A SODA FAMILY PACK

Turkey and Gravy - YUM!

Sweet Potatos - With marshmallows I hope!

Dinner Roll! - Come on!

Peas - Yeay!

And who doesn't LOVE the flavor of Antacid?! In a SODA!

Now you can have the wonderful flavor of antacid all the time without the side effect of not having any acidic bile to digest!

I always make a goal to eat until I puke, I guess now I can do just that in about the amount of time it takes to drink 5 bottles of Soda...

Seriously Im am shocked there isn't a chocolate nativity for sale! ....... Oh, wait!

And IM the one who is a grinch for having a problem with the commericalism of Christmas.

Im just going to be over here...

XOXO - Tis the season

Rebecca Romjin... Just stop, please.

2009-11-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

I did drama in highschool but real acting must be harder than I realize. It is the only explanation for all of the truly horrible actors that are making $$$.

Point in case: Rebecca Romijn and her new role in EASTWICK. If you know of and like this show let me know so I can de-friend you on facebook immediately.

First off Rebecca Romijn was pretty cute when she was like 20 on the cover of Sport Illustrated, but nowa days shes looking like the front runner on the PGA Tour and no, I dont mean the Women's PGA Tour.

She-looka-likea-man.
Like a cross dressing tranny man.

Like how women who wrestle "professionally" look manly. Thats Rebecca Romijn these days.

I was flipping through channels and Macy was like "Wait! You have to watch this for a minute, it's HORRIBLE" and it was! Wow was it ever!

If I ever have to watch her fake crying with no tears again I will shoot my self in the face. It was like watching my 4 year old fake cry while pretending her toys are made of solid gold she has no hope of picking up and then whaling "I can't do it!"

Seriously this show SUX! The premis is like Passions meets Hero's, they are witches but they are just all suddenly realizing they are witches with powers... This show is so good they have already played the celebrity guest appearance card with Cybil Sheppard, the mark of any successful show!

So this brings an interesting question to the table. Why is it bad writing and not really attractive people who can't really act very well equal an ABC series???

XOXO
Perplexed @ best

Right square in the ...

2009-10-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

My sister-inlaw Natalie is going to take a women's self defense class... Why do you need a class to teach you how to kick a guy in the 'circus' and run? It would seem women are born with this instinct already!

A wreck on a bike, a sharp kick from my ungrateful kids while changing a diaper (but only the girls so far, going to my theory above). There is no way of adequately explaining to a woman the pain of catching one squaw in the 'junk', which is why they teach this 'technique' to women.
Women: Imagine for a moment someone hitting you in the stomach while you are dry heaving... thats what it feel like the moments AFTER impact (I shutter just thinking about it).

It is such a sudden shock you loose the muscle control to stand up, dropping you to the ground, unable to breath, and thats when you begin wanting to cry and vomit as it expands throughout your person, which you dont because you are paralyzed with no muscle control other than to assume a fetal position.

I have had many shots to the 'family jewels' AKA The 'Circus', AKA The 'Boys'... etc...
It always hurts and every guy can probably tell you a string of mishaps, however two incidents stand out memorably in my life.

Incident 1: I was riding a horse that was running and about to jump a stream, which I was ready for, until at the last moment it just decided to stop... A rider in motion will stay in motion until acted upon to the saddle horn and or ground. Eventually the horse decided I wasn't getting up and it left back to the barn. I on the other hand may have lost consciousness several times.

Incident 2: Nothing will ever top... A woman scorned. Yes after breaking up with my best friends sister, her friends saw me at the movie and started to chase me, I don't know why I ran other than having 4 angry 16 year old girls running at you has that effect when you are 16, but at some point one of them caught up with me and carefully placed a swift kick in between my running legs. The next thing I remember was my friends picking me up off the ground and loading me into my car, Im told I was crying... Yeah, I sure was. I thought I was having a heart attack as the shooting pain was even in my arms and hands.

I can only assume this is an artist rendering of some poor guy actually dying after being kicked in the crotch, as my google search was "kicked in the crotch"

While I have all the respect in the world for the pain of childbirth, having seen it multiple times, girls just can't understand and thus they should never ever, ever take that road of defense unless its life or death. I would go as far as to say most muggers, given the choice, would take a good blast of mace or pepper spray to the eyes or a good tazer to the neck!

XOXO
Somehow had 3 kids!

Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize... No seriously.

2009-10-09T10:33:00.000-04:00

Obama wins Nobel PEace Prize... No seriously.
No snappy comments or personal opinions from me, just read the news story.

"The Norwegian Nobel Committee said it honored Obama for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."
The decision appeared to catch most observers by surprise.
The president had not been mentioned as among front-runners for the prize, and the roomful of reporters gasped when Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel committee, uttered Obama's name.
Nominations for the prize had to be postmarked by February 1 -- only 12 days after Obama took office. The committee sent out its solicitation for nominations last September -- two months before Obama was elected president.

The president, who was awakened to be told he had won, said he was humbled to be selected, according to an administration official.
Watch announcement of 2009 Nobel Peace Prize »

Obama will make a statement Friday at 11 a.m. ET from the Rose Garden, administration officials said." -CNN-

And he had better decline the award! I didn't think after the committee gave the prize to Al Gore over a woman who smuggled babies out of Nazi Germany they could sink lower but WOW DID THEY!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/10/09/nobel.peace.prize/index.html

Craigslist Rant

2009-10-06T13:43:00.000-04:00

I love / hate Craigslist.

Where else can sell your velvet Elvis Painting to someone local and at the same time find someone willing to show up and remove that old pile of bricks from when your chimney fell over, for use as garden pavers and buy a set of garden gnomes and an air conditioner? No where, that's where!

What I love about Craigslist:
You can buy all kinds of things from local people at great prices, you can demand all kinds of pictures and low ball people on what their "Best Offer" is without having to hide behind sunglasses face to face in their driveway, and they are happy ("happy"?) about it.

You can read all about the most random worst examples of humanity in the personals section, specifically under the heading "Missed Connections"
http://fortwayne.craigslist.org/cgi-bin/personals.cgi?category=mis

Fort Wayne has some GREAT missed connections. One of my favs was "It was my birthday, you bought me a shot and said I looked cute drunk. You can buy me a drink any day!"
Not just on my birthday binges!

A lot of them seem to come from New Heaven (shocked!).

Macy and I were wondering what kind of replies these people get. As an experiment I put on a add posing as a women that simply read "I was a blond in a white button up shirt and short black skirt in Walmart, you were a cute guy in a Colts jersey. Maybe there is something here?" I didn't say what Walmart, what day, time, nothing! And lame guys came out of the woodwork with their best lines!

My favorite reply was:
"I knew there something meant to be! I saw it the moment our eyes met when you caught me looking at your chest and I blushed and you smiled. We need to explore what this is!
- Your #1 Colts fan -"

Ummmmmmm, riiiight... You should have signed it #1 Date Rapist. I would bet I had 30 replies all claiming to be the buy. I bet 99% of women never put up a 2nd "Missed" Connection, and 100% of them regret having put up a first one.

What I hate about Craigslist:

I hate when I put up something and I say its $400 FIRM... and I get people saying
"Whats the rock bottom you'll take for this velvet Elvis painting?"
and I say "$400!!! You cant get immigrant painting detail like this anymore!"

And then someone comes over to see it and they say
"Well I'm not sure its worth $400... I'll give you $150."
"...........$150??? Get off my porch before I shoot you! How dare you waste my time! I'll give your mother $150 to get her crap out of my basement. (I dont know what that means but it made me giggle to write it)"
"Well you know, I had to drive all the way out here and my truck is a gas hog so help me out here."
"Help you out? Stop wearing shirts with airbrushed wolves running in lighting storms, there I helped you out. Did I tell you to drive out here in your bus and insult me? No. Get off my porch! Dont come to my house and offer me 70% less than I asked, this isn't Mexico."

So yeah that what I hate. Don't get me wrong, I will offer 15% less when someone says OBO, thats an open invite, but FIRM means firm and N-O means NO!

XOXO
Now get off my porch. Seriously.

White Trashy Romance

2009-08-31T19:53:00.001-04:00

My job has sucked the life out of me. I go in an hour earlier and the shocking result is I have lost all creativity. Until...

Now and then I think about the mating rituals of white trash. I submit country music as my research and basis. I mean it has to be the bench mark, it's what they are listening to while they make out in the truck bed, right? It is their poetry if you will.
I paused the radio dial on the way home the other night (did I just date myself? I dont mean in a creepy way. Radio's use to have dials for those of you who aren't old enough to remember (Stacey and Vanessa) and a RADIO is that thing in your car that plays CD's or MP3's only the radio is what it use to make music with before CD's and iPod's, kinda like listening to your friends answertone for those of you who aren't old enough to remember Radio's (Whitley).).
So first up is a song I have heard about for years but never heard until tonight, "One Hot Ma'ma".
Lyrics:
You're doin' all you can to get in them old jeans.
You want that body back, you had at seventeen.
Baby, don't get down; don't worry 'bout a thing.
'Cause the way you fill 'em out, hey, that's all right with me.
I don't want the girl you used to be.
An' if you ain't noticed, the kids are fast asleep,

An' you're one hot mama;
You turn me on, let's turn it up,An' turn this room into a sauna.
One hot mama, Oh, whaddya say, baby? You wanna?

If that isn't freakin romance I don't know what is!
I would think the reply to that "You wanna" should go something like "Our prenup says you are not to address me." or "Ew"

Here is the thing that makes me use this as my white trash romance dashmark (benchmark, dashmark, get it?) If this weren't how they think and behave, it wouldn't be set to music!
"Im gonna write you a love song baby. It's gonna be the most romantic crap you ever heard too, I swear it is!"

On the immediate tailgate of that lovely ballad was the song to end them all. There are so many things wrong with this song, starting with the reference to the BMW. GO!

Lyric 2: Big Green Tractor

She had a shiny little beamer with the ragtop down,
(Problem one: I didn't have a problem with her driving a BMW until you get more into the song and then I said WAIT, no, impossible that this guy knows anyone driving a BMW unless you count his parole officer.)

Sitting in the drive but she wouldn't get out
The dogs were all barking and a wagging around
And I just laughed and said yall get in
(Im not even sure what this all meant up to this point)

She had on a new dress and she curled her hair
She was looking to good not to go somewhere
(So I am thinking the drive-in, or some place real fancy like Chik-fil-a).

Said what'cha wanna do baby I don't care
We can go to the show we can stay right here
And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor
We can go slow or make it go faster
(holy crap! Wait until the car people find out about this slower faster technology!)

Down through the woods and out to the pasture
long as i'm with you it really don't matter
Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to
Girl you know you got me to hold on to
We can go to town or baby if you'd rather
I'll take you for a ride on my big green tractor.

I was completely speechless at this point... Obviously I got over it. I bet that's exactly what she wants to do, get out of her BMW all dressed up and get on ur big green tractor. Either this guy is a moron or this actually works for women of this ilk. IT MUST OR THERE WOULD NOT EXIST THESE SONGS!

XOXO
Looking in the want adds for a riding lawn mower...

17 years of famine ends

2009-08-08T19:17:00.000-04:00

I am a MORON!
No not Mormon, but yes I am one of those too.
But I am an IDIOT!

Growing up I had a ritual. From 1984 forward every Saturday morning my brother and I would awake, brimming with excitement. We would run to the kitchen, poor ourselves bowls of FrootLoops and run to the living room, park in front of the TV and watch Transformers, Voltron, Heman, Thundercats, MASK, and even the occasionally animated M.C. Hammer (with the addition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 1988).

One fateful Saturday in 1992 a commercial would change my life, it would force me to grow up at the tender age of 11. I would suddenly be torn from comforts of childhood, my security blanket ripped from me with a lack of understanding or explanation, left with a void I would spend the next 17 years trying to fill with substitutes.A stupid freakin green bird sailed through the sky, bringing with him famine of the soul. He brought the addition of the green FrootLoop to specially marked boxes.

I hated that freakin green bird because he signified the death of Froot Loops. I knew just like with Lucky Charms, once something was added to specially marked boxes, that was it, it was there to stay! I clutched my cowboy smurf blanket close and wept.

By the end of 1992 every box of FrootLoops were tainted with the green loop. In 1993 the purple loop was added and in 1995 the final nail in the coffin of my love affair with FrootLoops, the BLUE loop was added.

Why did this affect me? (Yes Affect, not effect) Because I hate all fruit flavored things EXCEPT for FrootLoops (which, lets face it, dont really taste like fruit at all).
Fruit flavored candy? PUKE!
Fruit in Ice-Cream? VOMIT in mouth!
ESPECIALLY PURPLE AND BLUE COLORED VARIETY! I dont know why but the purple and blue variation of ANYTHING is always the most disgusting.
Warheads, Laffy Taffy, JolleyRancher, Slurpees, Lunch-meats... Think about, they are all grossest in the Blue or Purple flavor (yes I just called Blue and Purple flavors, GROSS FLAVORS)
My bile is rising just typing about them.
There is a certain kind of person who always picks the blue or purple flavored things, PowerAde, candy, etc.... This person is my older brother.
Back to the issue... I was horrified at the thought of eating a green cereal, let alone a purple and then a blue one! Literally I didn't eat a Froot Loop after that day, the very site of the box made me sick, and sad! And then on a similarly fate filled Saturday... Macy, for the first time in our marriage, brought home a box of FrootLoops... I was saddened to see my old friend and told her of my woes. To which she replied "You are an idiot... they all taste the same."
They what? This was impossible! Still if there was even a chance!!!.... I agreed to a blind taste test, after she performed her own, just to make sure, at the conclusion of which: swearing on our children they tasted the same (the FrootLoops, not the children).
Fearful, I wished I had my smurf blanket. Wait... what? THEY DID TASTE THE SAME!!!

That would mean... I AM an idiot! Crap!
Well better make up for lost time. I have to eat 17 years of FrootLoops

XOXO
On my third bowl

Children....

2009-07-26T18:43:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in weeks and this is going to be worth every letter!

Children... There mission is to kill you. Secondary objective: kill themselves.
Your mission as a parent: Stop them from achieving their primary objective and try to not mess them up too badly in the process.

I have had a few friends ask me "Whoa, what's it like having kids?"
You wanna know??? Seriously??? Go to the zoo, ya with me? Steal a monkey. Not just any monkey, find the cutest puppy-dog eyed monkey, who is also the craziest and most hyper monkey. On the way home take a detour to a rough neighborhood and get some PCP. Give it to the monkey right before you get home, along with some laxative.
Ok now you will need a large hyper dog who pees when excited and likes to chase monkeys. Still in? Let me tell you some of the things you have to look forward to while your spouse is down sick in the bedroom:

Off the bat the dog will chase the monkey, the monkey will bite the dog, the dog will run to you for help. Change the monkey's diaper.

The dog will give markers to the monkey two minutes later. You will have the clean the markers off the monkey and table but wait one of the markers on the table was a SHARPIE, but you were going to build a new table anyway... Spray'n'Wash gets the WASHABLE marker off the monkey's clothing.

The monkey will somehow find the Spay'n'Wash bottle and proceed to spray its hands and wipe it all over their arms and hair and clothing. The dog will watch and say nothing even though the dog is 2 years older and knows better.
Take away Spray'n'Wash, hose off monkey in sink, when monkey tells you "this is fun" you are obviously not using cold enough water. Hide Spray'n'Wash, put new shirt on monkey. Change the monkey's diaper.

While cleaning Spray'n'Wash off the kitchen floor the monkey will sneak into the bathroom and proceed to squeeze toothpaste all over the sink and bath rug. The dog will again watch. Oh wait the dog also has minty fresh breath! Send monkey and dog into the other room.

While cleaning this up the tooth-paste monkey will scale the kitchen counter, get into the baking cupboard and shove 2 squares of UNSWEETEND Baking chocolate into their mouth. When you demand they spit it out it will be joined by a sticky soggy syrupy mass that you will later identify as a prune. This sticky mess will get all over the new shirt. Where did you hide the Spray'n'Wash??? What's that smell? Change the monkey's diaper.

The monkey will somehow find the Spray'n'Wash, it is likely they had hidden it after you hid it and that is why you couldn't find it in the first place and proceed to get paper towels, spray the floor, spray the paper towels, spray them selves (AGAIN) and start mopping the floor.
Now this is the instance where you start reviewing child abuse laws when the monkey looks up at you with afore mentioned puppy dog eyes and says "I help."

"Thank you... Now please go in the other room and try to not destroy something in the next 5 minutes."

Did you just rub your eye? Guess what, you have Spray'n'Wash on your hands. Sux huh?

The preceding are all true events perpetrated in ONE DAY, yes in one single afternoon, after getting home from church last Sunday. Only it wasn't a dog and monkey it was my girls, four and two. Which is evidence to my previous claim, the primary objective of children is to kill you!

After writing the above draft we spent a week camping
One afternoon we went into town to a Wal-mart to get a few things. My wife and I separated (big mistake) and I took the girls (other big mistake). Now to set this up a little: Sophie is not the most stable of toddling 2 year olds and previous to this trip she took a trip of her own and her her face on a picnic table bench.
While in the electronics section I suddenly had to go to the bathroom and I mean number 3! I threw the independent 4 year old miss Vivian into the basket while she protested greatly at being in a cart, them moved the shoeless 2 year old Sophie from basket to seat while she also protested making a grab for the 6" dagger of death that happened to be on my belt. There I am already drawing to attention of everyone in three departments but now I am wrestling a large knife away from a toddler who has a scrapped up face! I smiled at the 70 year old woman who looked on with dropped jaw as I ushered the children to the family bathroom as fast as I could. Now once inside I have a shoeless child so I put her on the changing table so she can't get down, it looks like I might not crap my pants, I lock the door and turn around to find what??? Yes the 4 year old is on the toilet smiling mid-stream. Can't pull her off now can I... Or could I....? I allow her to finish while eying the sink then put her on the changing table to, turn around and...... any guesses? If you were a 4 year old monkey on drug 3 feet off the ground and your father were about to have an accident wouldn't you turn out the light? Of course you would!!! Luckily I got a good look at where the toilet was. Ever try to convince two small giggling girls to turn a light back on? It's impossible.

Like I said, they are trying to kill me.

XOXO
I am Captain Hook and Wendy and Tink want to snuggle :)

Im bringin Michael Back

2009-07-07T19:20:00.001-04:00

Im bringin MJ back.
A while back I wrote a GREAT blog post about Michael Jackson turning black. With his recent passing somehow a random unidentified person left me hate mail regarding the post. Now in tribute of his passing I revise and reshare the blog with you.
Now with new commentary highlighted in red!

Is Michael Jackson turning black again???? You be the judge.

Nov 2008

Remember when Michael Jackson was black? No seriously he was! Way back before he started hiding in children's closets, under their beds, and in the boiler room's of schools full time (My hate mail attacked me for making this joke about a now deceased MJ. DISCLAIMER: Michael has never been proven to have actually hid in a hid in a child's closet, other than Miculley Caulkin's while playing hide'n'seek. Nor was he ever found living in a boiler-room in a school although it is very coincidental that he and freddy were both wearing one decked out glove. While this might not be the most appropriate joke to make it is no less rude to make this joke about someone who has passed away than to make it about a living person. What kind of double standard is that?).

"It don't matter if you're black or white!"

The famous Michael Jackson song lyric made us all question where we stand on racial issues... but Michael was so determined to make a point that he under-went (is that a word? Anyone?) countless surgeries to adapt and implement cross racial facial features in a variety and configuration that would make Mr. AND Mrs. Potato Head green with envy! The result was all standardized application processes that ask for "Race" must now include a box marked "OTHER" and he has proudly earned the right to check that box! In fact he might be the only human being who can! (Man I use to be able to write the CRAP out of a random blog! What happend to me? When did I turn white(metaphor)?)
(fact check note: Remind self to reference Michael Jackson against criteria to qualify as human being for blog post)
(Again hate mail attacked me for joke in bad taste about MJ's surgical happenings and mishaps. Well like Kenny Rogers learned, if you aren't prepared to deal with the jokes, get out the kitchen? You know what Im sayin. Michael denied repeatedly that he had received any surgical procedure. Riiiight...)

They say it's impossible for plastic surgery to turn a black person white but how else do you explain that he turned white at the same time he combined every race in the world on his face like some kind of Coca-Cola commercial?

(This picture remains one of the best things I have ever done!)
If anyone other than me has been really freakin bored in the late 90's early 00's and watched that VH1 6 hour mini-series about Michael Jackson's life, then you obviously know he had a very crazy messed up childhood in which he was abused and pushed into fame. At the same time he will likely remain the worlds most talented dancer and, debatably, songwriter of all time. Kids today have no idea 90% of the artists they idolize today took MAJOR cues and influence from Michael Jackson and it is kind of sad that they may remain ignorant.
The world lost a talented artist, but then again, we lost him years ago, hence the lack of emotion a lot of people are trying to explain on their facebooks. Luckily for Michael he is in a far better place where his screwed up upbringing is no longer a burden.

Lady Gaga

2009-06-18T20:53:00.001-04:00

I hate myself... No seriously. 17 year old me would kick the crap out of me and make me eat an Alice in Chains CD for this. It's almost unforgivable.

I am guilty and should be shot, but I am also shameless, I really like this Lady Gaga CD...

I dont know if you know who she is... She sings PokerFace (Popopopopopo-o-o-oker face, Poker-face)

I know... Now let's not go crazy and keep some perspective. I think she is a gross freak who can't dance, she can just wave her glove with parted fingers in front of her face and like change her eye peaking through the thumb and pointer to between pointer and middle finger and then like make the Spock live long and prosper and look between that and then like all fingers parted and wave it back and forth really fast! It's hard to describe...

Oh Snap, I think I'm about to do my first webcam podcast!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibZh6Q7y2tg

She isn't that great of a lyricist.. but I'm sucked in. I really didn't want to like her, I saw her live on American Idol and I was amazed I held in the vomit.
So here is where I still have a problem with her. She has this Marilyn Manson like hardcore Glam rock look.... Yet some of her songs remind me of No Doubt meets Fergie meet Mandy Moore... oh and some Ace of Base because there is a very strong mid 90's tone!
"There's nothing else I can say, eh eh, eh eh. Wish you never looked at me that way, eh eh, eh eh! There's nothing else I can say!"

Ummm, I can say something else... You're about as hard core as my 2 year old.
Also you kinda look like if Amy Weinhouse ate a sandwich and took a shower.
Shoot, she might be Amy Weinhouse after a successful rehab!

But she does exclusively use MAC cosmetics and that is highly respectable.

XOXO

I want comments on this people!

Obama pisses off gays

2009-06-18T13:37:00.001-04:00

This week President Obama laid out his plans to give some benefits to gay couples.
(joke with-held)

Obama's promise to offer ancillary employee benefits - such as long-term-care insurance and the right to use sick leave to care for domestic partners - while still denying more valuable benefits, such as health insurance and retirement funds, may have further agitated gay activists who were already fuming over other perceived snubs.

In retaliation the gays have mis-matched President Obama's wardrobe and unrolled all of his shirt sleeves. Activist have been quoted as saying "Take that ya big meanie." and "We're gay, fabulos and pissed off mister!"

Further more gays have rallied around the white-house and demand President Obama defer to a fashion runway walk-off to decide the terms of gay healthcare, a traditional gay method of settling issues.
Gay leaders have issued a statement saying they "plan to stage a withholding of interior decorating and gym memberships to members of the White House and Senate and see how they like having their benefits from gay people cut off!"

Colon Cleanse - funny crap

2009-06-16T14:24:00.001-04:00

Cleanse your colon and loose 5lbs a day!!! Up to 50lbs in the first week!

Right. If you have explosive diarrhea for a week straight you will loose about 5lbs a day in water and malnutrition. Sounds about right.

Marketing Claim: Substantiated.

Detox your body and feel better instantly!

Um, no, no one could possibly feel better post colon cleansing. I once tried to get over a barbed wire fence and fell...The recovery time on something like that is like 3 weeks.

Even with perpetual diarrhea I dont see how you can possibly cleanse and keep a cleansed colon... I mean you do know WHAT it is your colon does right???

Marketing Claim: Flase!

Why are people so gulible and quick to jump at these rediculous schemes. My colon is just fine thank you, I could eat a moose and pass it just fine.

Im going to market my own unique brand of colon cleansing, only mine will work the first time, ever time, instantly, no eating 1 lbs of hay or downing a gallon of Ex-Lax.

(Copyright: Dumb and Dumber, NewLine Cinema1994)

Give the Colon Blaster a chance and you will see results in 5 seconds or less or your money back!

The Original Colon Cleanse!

AND NOW SUPER MEGA COLON CLEANSE BLASTER 5005!

With even more colon blasting power!

"Special" Events: Cheerleaders sign crap...

2009-06-08T10:38:00.001-04:00

Im cynical, but working on it. (not really... )

Im confused by "special events" like the Indianapolis Colt cheerleaders autograph signing party!

Im pretty sure its the cheerleaders doing the autographs because people would only show up to throw things at the Colts players.
Now I would imagine the only "people" (pervy GUYS) who show up to a cheerleader autograph party are blushing teenage boys, blushing frat boys, blushing men in mid-life crisis who wouldnt show up to get the autograph of the woman who found the cure for cancer, now would they? The teenage boys I will give a pass to, the rest are there to ogle cheerleaders and cannot be excused. Thus proving 90% of men are simply teenage boys who never grew up, just got beer bellies.

"Ummm so do you girls ummm ever like umm date fans?"

"No."

"Umm what about like the president of your fan club? If they knew all your favorite things, like your favorite take out places and brand of hair spray and what day you put your trash out n'stuff?"

So my real issue here is fake "celebrities" ... You know the people who feel they are so cool and superior that regular people must worship them. There are two kinds of fake celebrity.

1: The kind who have autograph parties and then their signed crap ends up on Ebay for $4 and the shipping costs WAY more than the signed item is worth. The item was probably worth $10 before someone wrote on it with Sharpie so it can end up on a desk and people can ask "Who's that?"

"Who is THAT?! Thats Jenny Nordgren... 2nd string cheerleader for the Fort Wayne Explosion??? You know Indiana's only Semi-Pro Badminton team?! I waited in line for 2 days to get this $1 plastic mug signed."

2: The kind who refuse to sign autographs because they are far too cool and they only sign if they are getting paid. Jamie Presley (Earl's wife on My Name is Earl) is this kind of "celebrity". So is Karl Malone. I've got news for Jamie, now that Earl only has one season left... We have aprox 3 years before people are saying:

(You can take the girl out the trailer park... but you caint take the trailer park outta her)

"Do you remember that super white trash girl from that show Earl? Sure you do, the blonde. She got out of a limo with no pants on in LA this weekend. Yeah, she drove the limo drunk and hit some paparazzi who were trying to get a picture of Paris Hilton buying bananas at a fresh market, but she claims she was drinking water because shes out of rehab and doesnt party, she just hangs out in clubs because they are a fun environment for people who are sober. Then rode a horse in a club, fell off the horse and shot at a rival gang-member then went to an all night salon and shaved her head. Man I wish I could remember her name!"
"Why?"
"She owes me money."

Ok technically three kinds... Because Cheerleaders get their own category.
Maybe 4 because red-neck celebs shouldn't be counted either, they are merely brief interuptions. Farts that you can't help but notice and are strangely impressed by for a moment, they just havent faded yet.

XOXO
"These chicks are TOTALLY signing my diaper!"

Cottage Cheese goes bad... very, very bad...

2009-06-04T09:30:00.001-04:00

Im about to go OLDSCHOOL BRENT'S BLOG rant on yall. From back in the day when it was called "Brent's Blog" and you'd say "Hey did you read Brent's Blog?" or "I just won the super bowl, I'm going to read Brent's Blog about how stupid football is!"

And Here we go:
You know that expiration date on cottage cheese? They aren't kidding! Thats not a recommendation, its for reals.

12:30 am this morning: Brent goes to the kitchen in search of something to satisfy his growling tummy (yes I said tummy). After exhausting the cupboards and counters he turns to his old friend, the fridge. The old friend fails him. (Just like how all of my real old friends have failed me by their disassociation and lack of effort to keep up a relationship but thats another blog, isn't it you jerks who probably arent even reading this.)

But wait... there in the back, what's this? Cottage Cheese! (I tried that in a white font, it didn't work) Yes cottage cheese, that sounds good! Oh and its unopened. Without further consideration I eat a good sized portion and returns it to the fridge. Sleep ensues.

4am... Not feeling so good, but no need to go to the bathroom.
6am... a little worse but still no trip to the bathroom.
7:45am as I parked my car and prepared to make the mile trek into the office (Free Parking does not = a bunch of money in real life) it dawns on me. There is no way Im making it to the office without stopping in the bushes by the Law Offices of Barret and McNanaganahmm... And I dont think they would find the humor in the situation if I had too. Better not park, hit that road and hurry!

Ya know the term "I ran into the gas station" ???
Don't actually RUN into a gas station unless you WANT them to think you are going to rob them. I think he thought I had a gun because he almost hit the deck, but no time to say sorry! I don know what he said after I came out of the bathroom but he was pointing and laughing and shaking his head as if to say "Man you got me good!" or maybe "We have a clearance special on organic yogurt. Must be sold within the hour."

XOXO
Would go home early but Im not sentencing myself to an hour drive in a car

Britians Got Talent... Im serious.

2009-06-01T09:10:00.001-04:00

You can see really ugly people just about anywhere. Walmart... County Fairs... Gas Stations... Walmart... Flea-Markets... The court building... Nothing special, you see them everyday. Now give an already ugly woman a ZZ-Top beard and she's a novelty. Now you can charge admission my friend!

We as a modern society seem to think that only good looking people can have talents. Only good looking people can act, sing, play sports etc... This is the only explanation for the reaction to Britain's Got Talent's Susan Boyle.

BTW she looks like:
Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.

I speak the hard words of truth. If she were not unattractive (British) she would be just some Opera singing lady and probably wouldn't have made it through the first round. Even if she had won the whole thing, we in the U.S. of A. would have NEVER heard of her.

Who won last years Britain's Got Talent? Or the year before...? Did you even know there was such a show? Be honest, you had no clue.

But no, an unattractive women stepped infront of a camera and we all judged her and said "Oh this will be horrible." and we were so shocked when she could sing that we suddenly all went down to the fair grounds of YouTube to pay 2 bits a gander.
Why? Why can't ungly people sing? We have plenty of beautiful people you CAN'T sing! Ever heard of a girl named Britney Spears? Hmm?

Ugly people can do anything beautiful people can, and probably better. Look at Celion Dion. (I wouldn't actually make you look at a picture of her, its just a saying for theoretical example purposes).

Now the realy question is... Why did the winners wear Janet Jackson Rhythym Nation costumes??? That is so 1990.

XOXO
Average looking person with no talents
(unless you count sarcasm as a talent)

The grass is not greener

2009-05-23T17:13:00.001-04:00

Be careful what you wish for, you might have to mow it!

For some reason the goal of the standard american male home owner is a thick plush green lawn... This is what we were all raised to believe. So I've spent the last two summers getting my lawn properly fertilized and fed until it now has a thick green pasture... WHICH I HAVE TO MOW! Which would be ok if I were retired and had the time to mow it twice a week like it demands... But I dont see that happening anytime soon. So where I use to be able to skip a week of mowing, I now end up creating a wild-life refuge. My first clue was a few nights ago when I brought the girls home from Natalies and there were not one but two rabbits. Which is strange because due to the neighbors giant black panther Boo-Boo, we have never even seen a squirrel in our yard. It now takes no less than 60 hours to mow my lawn.

Now let me tell you something about dandelions. Dandelions want you to mow. They want you to spread their seeds evenly over your entire lawn so they can grow their ranks. AND they also want you to NOT mow so they can evenly spread their seeds over your lawn. Screwed!
Solution? Mow like every 3 days? The good thing here is that my neighbor (Old Bill) has the worlds most perfect lawn and is so affraid of dandelions he mows 8 feet into my yard to create a buffer :) This also just happens to be the thickest part of my yard. The grass is so thick here my lawn mower chokes, and my 5 horse power modified Murray special high-emisions edition lawn mower doesn't choke! It's so thick family of panda's uses it as a vacation home inbetween mowing.

I love lawn mowers. Since I was a kid taking apart and rebuilding my Dad's Snapper mower, I've been seeing if I can get a mower to actually hover around the yard. What it has pitched blades!
There is just something about firing up that old trusty mower and awaking the beast. The roar and engine mounted to tiny plastic wheels, a hand and foot severing blade moving 500 miles per hour a foot from your toes. The smell of gas fuems being vibrated out of its tank mixed with the pure gas and oil burning exhaust from a tiny muffler mixed with the smell of fresh cut grass.

I've thought about getting a low emisions lawn mower but... ummmmm. no. thats too wussy. I would miss having my hands and arms hurt from the violet vibrations of the raw, barely contained, power of my stick and toy eating lawn mower!
I use to pick up the sticks but there is just something about the sound of my mulching mower tearing apart wood into saw dust that is satisfying in a way only a man can grasp. Plus its helping mother nature renew...

XOXO
I'll be in the back yard

Air Freshener and butt-wipes

2009-05-12T08:23:00.001-04:00

I had a dog named Rusty. Rusty liked to roll on a couple of things, things that were dead and things in the garden. I dont know why a dog would do this, as they are suppose to have a highly sensitive sense of smell... and yet we are the ones who object. Anyway after a good roll on a dead fish or bird he would come home and plop himself down in the garden and take a nap or roll around in flowers. The result? The same smell you get when your uncle Herb has been in the bathroom at Thanksgiving and then Grandma goes in there with her "air freshener". DEATH SMELL MEETS FLOWERS?
First off air-freshener isn't even like a "freshener" its like someone took some horrible kind of sickly sweet flower and shoved it up your nose. Or like someone shoved my head into a box of lemons and then jumped up and down on my head. I have yet to smell one of these scents and been like "Wow that smells good! Its like a gentle (fill in the blank... bouquet, meadow, breeze, apple pie? new carpet?)!
Now put one of these in a machine that will spray it every 10 minutes in my bathroom at work with its 100 year old plumbing leaking sewer gas from all over Fort Wayne and that's a good thing?
"This smells like... someone crapped in a cantaloupe!"

Now this transitions right into women having candle parties and other gatherings where someone is going to convince my wife to buy lumps of horrible smelling wax to be melted in a little bowl. Wait let me redefine: get my wife to buy little lumps of horrible smelling wax at like $10 a lump, in a little bowl (value $0.50) with a tiny stand and light bulb under it (value $1.00) for an additional cost of $20. All so the suspect... I mean party hostess, can get 50% off her orders of horrible smelling wax so that her husband will be less inclined to take her off of their bank accounts. These expensive little lumps of wax are called a "Scentsy". If your wife ever gets an invite to a "Scentsy Party" shred the invite, then burn it and bury the ashes... Better yet, put the ashes in a little bowl with a little stand and tiny light under it (you can get one at the dollar store) and tell her its camp-fire scented potpourri.

This brings me to butt wipes. You might know these as Baby Wipes or Diaper Wipes. Women (My wife and sister-inlaw for example) buy these things based on it smelling like some kind of horrible walmart brand candle. Things like Cucumber-Tea... Yeah add the smell of cucumber to crap, that will make my child's poop changing enjoyable.

XOXO
Fathers against smelly

How lovely to be a man...

2009-05-05T17:01:00.001-04:00

There is this song on some TV commerical, something about "How lovely to be a woman, I loving being a girl... How lovely to be a woman and wear mascara, and lipstick and bake pies for your husband...."

I was just wondering what kind of song that would be if it were about a man.
So here's 2 verses, kind of like a pro & con thing... Imagine the guitar.

How freakin great it is being a man!
To drive a big giant 4x4
With big chrome wheels and a grill
To never worry about your appearance
And think you're god gift to girls.
To wake up at the crack of noon and decide which stained T-shirt to wear
and if you havent done spring laundry, you don't have to wear underwear
You can live on burgers, Top-Ramen and hotdogs
And not worry if your arteries clog.
You get to play in mud and grease and not care if it gets on stuff
and if you are feeling hungry, you can kill something for your lunch
Yes its freakin awesome being a man

Until one day you get married to one of those girly girls
One with lots of cooties, makeup and hair in curls.
Now you cant burp outloud or pass gas in the living room
You trade in your torque wrench for a matching pink mop and broom
You must clean your clothes up off the floor
When you are going number 2, you have to shut the bathroom door
Words like chick and babe are traded in for honey, sweety and dear
And instead of being tough, now you just live in fear.
Yes its freakin awesome being a man.

But seriously, how awesome is it having someone to make the house homey and pretty and cares if there is a smell coming from somewhere. Someone who wants the garbage to go out like more than once a week. And it is kinda nice that there is someone to tell me when the smell is me. It is very nice to have something so pretty to look at all the time!
It's cool having someone who thinks to buy things like plastic wrap and toilet paper. I would probably think about it everytime I was on the toilet until after I ran out of shop-towels and McDonalds napkins from my car. Actually Id be more likely to hit McDonalds to refill my supply before remembering to buy TP. Shoot that sounds like an awesome free solution to buying toilet paper.... Yes its great to have a woman to stop me from these kinds of ideas!

Happy Anniversary Babe!
Thank you for 8 Years of protection me from myself

Love you!
XOXO
Your Foolio

Exercise Kills

2009-05-05T08:36:00.001-04:00

I now know why the camera phone was invested and I may finally be convinced that I need one.
Yesterday I was driving up Lima Road (that's a big busy main highway in north Fort Wayne, IN) and I saw something strange... Someone jogging. Now this is strange one because people don't normally like jog down a highway... That would be like taking a jog next to i-69 or i-15.... but this was mostly strange because it was a woman who I can only assume was in her mid to late 50's, pushing 500lbs and wearing black spandex. I was looking for the smoke monster behind her but she seemed to be the only one who could see it. That's the only explanation for this behavior called exercise. My wise friend Kendra said the best thing I've heard in a long time: "The only reason to run is from danger. So the only reason to practice running is so you can run from danger, and when it actually happens you wont be able to run, so why start in the first place?"
It will someday be proven that exercise kills.

(Spandex Its not for everyone)
I would go as far as to say that spandex is not for ANYONE, in any situation, in any time period. I dont care if you have the most perfect body to ever walk the earth, spandex does not look good on ANYONE. Never has, never will. Stop wearing it! It's like Looney Tunes sweat-shirts on middle aged and over the hill women. For some reason society thought "Hey we can make money of a certain "class" of people (the people with NO class) and as a result the rest of us are being punished and have been since the 80's!

All Spandex should be shipped to Russia with the rest of the 80's.

Any time I think about exercising I will think about this lady jogging down one of Fort Waynes most trafficed and public streets, and then I will think "Man, she looked exhausted." and then I will think "I wonder if Lost is new tonight." and then I will think "These brownies are really good! I think I'll take a nap."

Let me leave you with THIS (the world is messed up)

XOXO
Exercise is hard

igpa ufla ouya diotias.....

2009-04-30T10:30:00.001-04:00

Swine flu.... Wow... What a bunch of hog wash.
Anyone remember when they said the bird flu was going to kill millions? And then it didn't.
Don't discount me yet. I know people love to think the media would never lie about or spin anything so anyone who said something contrary couldn't be right at all.
There is a lot of hype about the swine flu and I think people are going a little crazy... For example, they are closing school on suspected cases of the swine flu....

Virus's don't kill, their goal is to thrive, multiply and mutate, then spread to new hosts so their kind can survive by repeating the cycle.

So why are people dying? The swine flu, like any flu simply weakens the immune system and leaves it open for bacterial attack as it moves on. After having the flu you are most likely to contract strep or staff which is then likely to kill you. Where is the most likely place to contract strep or staff???? YOUR DR. OFFICE, ER, or HOSPITAL!
It's all good, we've been through this before. The last time the swine flu caused panic was in the 70's and the human immune system proved to be much better than the expected millions dead. In fact President Ford spent millions and millions creating and stock piling vacines which were too late, ineffective, and were attributed with causing more health problems than recorded cases of the swine flu itself.

The flu season
Ever notice how the flu seems to always happen during cold wet and snowy nasty months? There is a reason. People stay inside with each other, no one is out in the sun getting Vitamin D and fresh air. Litterally FRESH AIR. End of fall millions of people take to cramming into malls and Wal-marts across the country passing around whatever virus's they can find, trading them like Capt. Kirk trading cards at a Treky-Convention.

Remember war of the worlds? The aliens die because humanity has an amazing immune system. So old people, children, and pig farmers are the most at risk. Once they have the virus, their immune systems are the most weakend and they have the least antibodies toward other infection that are known for killing.

The warm sun is a few weeks away and mark my words, this Pig-Flu will become just another scare.

Now Im not much for conspiracy theories but....... Isn't it interesting how you can create panic?
"There WILL be an international crysis within the first 6 months of Barack taking office."

XOXO

Earth Day

2009-04-23T14:18:00.001-04:00

Earth day... smurf day...
Actually Smurf day sounds AWESOME!
Everyone can talk about how blue they are.
"Dude my car is so freakin 'blue' you wouldn't believe or know what to do with it fool!"

well actually it was yesterday but I was busy burning down trees with a mixture of styrofoam and gasoline so I could roast baby seals for dinner on paper plates I have no intention of recycling.... What, isn't that how YOU celebrate earth day?
Yeay! Hug a tree (you dirty hippy)!

Wanna laugh? Im on our company's Environmental Committee. Awesome huh.
Now Im not against the environment, but people go sooo far with this crap until they are no longer rational adults who can see how crazy they are. I love the queen (of england, not Latifa!) she had the word green banned from the UK dictionary with the exception of its use as an actual color!
If you dont want to here my take on recycling skip to the House Hunters story, its good!

I dont believe in recycling paper: Paper helps feed bacteria in landfills which aids in breaking down other materials. A show I watched on TLC talked about how in the last 10 years landfills have noticed things are taking much longer to break down than before and water treatment has seen an increase in food materials in water.
Solution? Throw left over food and paper away! Feed the landfills! Think about it, if you recycle all the paper and stick all the food in your disposal then the only things going to landfills are the non-recyclables? How well do those break down again? What? They dont? Hmm how about that.

Earth day is just another political commercial gimmick. "Oooh look at me, Im GREEN buy me." As if that MEANS anything.
"Buy our new manure burning furnace for your house, its "GREEN!"
Oh and recycling takes massive amounts of energy, besides the trucks to transport to recycling facilities, recycling paper takes acid compounds, water, heat and bacteria levels much higher than creating new paper. Not to mention there is more forestation in North America today than there has ever been to man's knowledge.
That and I just really love to kill trees. What with their mocking superiority, standing over us all the time with their leafy branches and supporting wild-life. I hate them so much!

Let's further look at how any extreme on either side of the fence sounds ridiculous.

House Hunters - Earth Day Edition!
Last night we were watching an "Earth Day" episode of House Hunters with a couple we were looking for the "Greenest" house possible. They refused to look at anything that had polyurethane sealed flooring because "they give off toxic fumes..."
YOU give off toxic fumes! Freakin hippies. This guys wife said a kitchen was charming and he said "How can you find any charm in here! There's Formica counter-top, that would have to be ripped out and replaced with something green."
This guy sure wants a lot of things in his house to be the color green. I dont think they have made a green counter-top since the 70's....

Let me see if I have this.... These people want a house to be environmentally friendly (i refuse to say green anymore) so buy a house, rip out all the unfriendly stuff and... what put it in a land fill? Seems to me the "responsible" thing to do would be never remodel your house so that stuff doesn't end up in a landfill where it's toxic fumes can kill bunny rabbits?

I have an idea, lets send special invites to all of these people telling them we are unveiling a car that runs on banana peels, coffee grounds and left over Sobe, and we're going to unveil it in the dessert because its so top secret and they will all get one for free. Then we get a giant magnifying glass... say big enough to cause 2 million people to burst into flames.

XOXO
God save the Queen

"Special Event" Cheerleaders sign stuff

2009-04-22T15:01:00.001-04:00

According to Blogspot I slaved over this blog post and never published it!
For that matter there are like 10 others, so I guess I can pull them out.

I saw something about the Colt's cheerleaders being at a mall or something to sign autographs...
Im confused by "special events" like this.

Im pretty sure its the cheerleaders only. People would only show up to throw things at the Colts players, not get them signed.

Who actually thinks "Yes the way to draw a crowd of the finest people is to have a bunch of women who were strippers two years ago come sign autographs."

Now I would imagine the only "people" (pervy GUYS) who show up to a cheerleader autograph party are sex offenders, blushing teenage boys, blushing frat boys (future sex offenders), blushing men in midlife crisis. The teenage boys I will give a pass to, the rest are there to ogle cheerleaders and cannot be excused. Thus proving 90% of men are simply teenage boys who never grew up, just got beer bellies. I know what you are thinking, "Wow Brent really has something against Frat Boys." Well...

"Ummm so do you girls ummm ever like umm date fans? Umm what about like the president of your fan club? Who knows your favorite take out places and brand of hair spray and what day you put your trash out n'stuff? I cut my own hair..."

Now my real issue here is fake "celebrities" ... You know the people who feel they are so cool and superior that regular people must worship them. There are two kinds of fake celebrity.

1: The kind who have autograph parties and then their signed crap ends up on Ebay for $4 and the shipping costs WAY more than the signed item is worth. The item was probably worth $10 before someone wrote on it with Sharpie so it can end up on a desk and people can ask "Who's that?"

"Who is THAT?! Thats Jenny Nordgren... 2nd string cheerleader for the Fort Wayne Explosion??? You know Indiana's only Semi-Pro Badminton team?! Come on man!"

2: The kind who refuse to sign autographs because they are far too cool and they only sign if they are getting paid. Jamie Presley (Earl's wife on My Name is Earl) is this kind of "celebrity". So is Karl Malone. Karl is already irelevant, Jamie is working on it. I don't see there being too many roles out there for "Bleached blonde, annoying trailer trash" unless they make the "Britney Spears Story" for Lifetime and she gets to play the mom.

XOXO
Still waiting to get this Karl Malone card signed... sigh...

I hate Tyra

2009-04-21T12:19:00.001-04:00

Shocker... I know... We're adding to the list of people I hate.
(Paris Hilton, Kirsten Dunsts, Lindsay Lohan, Beyonce etc...)

TYRA BANKS!

Which kinda sucks because I kinda like Top Model! Although this is mostly because Tyra is only on the last like 10 minutes of the show.
Last week Im watching Top Model and Tyra actually says to a girl in the bottom 2 that she's fat! Well ok, what she said was that the model had "put on a lot of weight in the last couple weeks"
Ummmm ok I get that you live in a perfect little world where all the women weight less than 90lbs ... aren't you a day time talk show hostess? (Hey a twinkie sounds really good! Or a squiggle cake!) Shouldn't you be all about promoting positive body image, instead of getting on your show millions of women and girl are watching and call the only girl who is even close to what a real woman looks like and then call her fat?

I never know what high people are talking about, that girl was beautiful A FREAK, but beautiful and they actually doged her because she was too fat to be a model and too skinny to be a plus sized model, therefor she has no career....

Im not even a woman and Im mad at Tyra on every woman's behalf!

Plus Tyra is VERY annoying. AND NOT THAT PRETTY! She just doesn't do it. Even in highschool when my friends were drooling over Victoria Secret catalogs with made up names so we could claim we didn't know why they were showing up at our houses... I was like Tyra? "Eh"!

She looks like one of the Olsen twins got trapped in a tanning bed!

She sits behind the desk and sounds like a highschool head cheerleader running tryouts, then she gets on the run way and she goes from loud and proud to this fake quiet emotional person giving "advice".

I will say this though, the older Tyra gets the closer she gets to actually being attractive herself.
But shes an idiot. Thats not hot.

XOXO
I still want a squiggle cake

Adam... American Idol???

2009-04-15T00:53:00.001-04:00

I hate Adam.
Seriously, he's so fake it makes me sick.

Everyone falls into this "He's an amazing singer! He's genius!"

FALSE! He CAN sing... thats where it ends. He's like the white trash who win's the lottery and has all this money but doesn't know what to do with it, so they buy a million dollar house and have a Jeff Gordon shaped race car pool put in the back yard. Just because they have the gift of millions doesn't mean they know what to do with it, or do good things with it. JUST LIKE ADAM!

And people who are hard-core edgy, dont wear sparkly jackets with their edgy hair. However guys who make out with other guys, do! He looks like a drag-queen version of Kelly Osbourne.

"Yippie! Im totally on American Idol! Im like so hard core everyone, you dont even know! OMG! Im like Hardcore-a-licious!"

The Notebook

2009-04-12T16:05:00.001-04:00

I ~~don't care for... don't like~~ hate the NoteBook....

Wait is there a stronger word I can use? The NoteBook made me want to kill myself about 5minutes in. I was looking for objects (sharp or dull) to drive into my throat or slit my wrists with just so it would end. If you have never seen this movie... DONT... even if your life depends on it, it is better for you to die.
Let me give you the run down. It's pretty much every chick flick ever made rolled into one. I think at one point the main character even holds a boom-box up outside her bedroom window, which is amazing since its the 1930's or 40's or something.

So the movie is these two old people in a home... and the old guy is reading the old lady this story about a young man of low ilk and a girl of privilege who fall in love and the parents are against it, blah blah blah all these years later here they are, only she has old-timers (yes I know its spelled Alzheimer's) and doesnt remember any of this, then she has a moment of clarity and remembers and they are so happy and in love they lay down for a nap and they both die at the exact same moment......

This movie is HORRIBLE. I have never seen something so campy, clique, unoriginal, uninspired, hokey, etc... etc... (although it did inspire this blog post... hrrmmmmmmm...)

Ask 100 girls if they liked it and 95% of them with take a deep breath fighting back tears just hearing the name of the movie and start on a rant "O...M...Gosh! When Noah laid on the bed next to (whatever the old bag's name was)... I thought MY heart was going to stop beating." I wish it had.

This was in fact the best part of the movie, not only because it meant it was over, but because when the old lady died and then HE died... I laughed! The same laugh I laughed when Leonardo DiCaprio froze in Titanic and Kate Winslet whispered "Come back... Come back...." Both instances resulted in women in their 40's gasping in horrified outrage as I gleefully ruined the moment for them (ha haha!).

Ask 100 guys who saw The Notebook and the 5 who are straight and saw it with a girl for brownie points will tell you the first question they were asked when they left the theatre was "Would die of a broken heart for me???" Only the truly manly ones swallowed their rage and said "Of course I would baby!" in the name of getting some. The other 2 said "I'm sorry, I have just realized I like to date men." as they were turned gay for having seen the movie.

And thats THE NOTEBOOK

XOXO - Someone with better taste than that

Button Fly Jeans

2009-04-08T11:00:00.001-04:00

FACT: The button fly was invested by a woman.
It had to have been. No man who's ever been in a hurry to pee in the men's room, parking garage, side of the road, or side of an X girl-friend's new boy-friend's car would have created the button fly. Every man knows that buttons work against you multiple ways.

Number 1: If you can't open the barn door when there's a fire...
It takes for freakin ever to get those buttons undone. It's the same reason we dont like women to wear button up shirts and bras. (Not button up bras, but those little hook thingies are just as bad cause you have to like get them in the right order and position and by the time you figure it out... oh just cut it off).
On jeans it's like they purposely oversized the button and then made the hole smaller just so they can secretly laugh in some designers meeting about how men will never figure it out!

"Our 3rd quarter numbers are looking really good! There is a 14% increase of men peeing themselves and having to sneak out of work 7 hours early...
And men punching tile walls and hurting themselves is up 22%!"

Problem 2: If you can't close the barn door when stealing horses... I dont know, Im just typing things now.
It is impossible to get those buttons done back up without dropped your pants, sitting down on the floor and doing them one by one, like a kid with those special shapped blocks in the orb. You know Star goes in the star hole, Square goes in the square hole... Of course then someone like your boss walks into the bathroom while you are fighting with your pants.
"What? Your wife has never bought you button fly jeans?"

And another thing! Why the button fly??? Seriously! This can't be a fashion thing... Who the crap is seeing my fly? NO ONE! Most men are lucky if they can see their fly after their pants pass their knees. IT MAKES NO SENSE! The button fly must go!

Bottom line, you dont want to be that guy standing infront of the urinal for 20 minutes cussing under your breath.

XOXO
Wearing button fly from the GAP

Addition to Iranian Terror

2009-04-02T09:10:00.001-04:00

Im an Iranian Terrorist

2009-03-31T08:36:00.001-04:00

WARNING: The following blog is an account of a real life situation that could only happen to me, and yes I am full aware I bring these things on myself. The following contains censored language of which the original verbiage were mostly 4 lettered and racially charged and directed TOWARD ME, a white boy.
And yes I am aware that I started this whole thing so don't bother pointing it out.

This will be a long post, but SO worth the read!
So there I am at the bank drive up, there are two lanes and cars at each, so I do what most normal people do, I sat in the middle waiting for one to leave. This usually pisses off the next person to pull up behind me, which makes me smile, because as we all know, I am a jerk and like "teaching people lessons".

Well sure enough a little old lady pulled up behind me in a gleaming Steel-Blue Buick and starts honking. To which I ignored her. So she got out of the car and starts hobbling up to my window screaming "Get out of my lane." To which I replied. "Hello."

"Don't you hello me, that's my window, you pick a lane and get your @# there!"

"No. This is first come, first serve. When someone pulls out I will move there. Maybe it will be the window, maybe it won't."

"You'll move your @# now!" At this point I have a decision, give in to the little old lady or treat her like my 3 year old and stand her in a corner.

"No, I wont." She then solidified my position by pointing over at the far lane and repeating...

"Move your @#!" After a moment of standing there with her shriveled boney finger pointing at the lane she hobbled back into her car and started to pull into the window lane to force me out... I replied by nosing my car further into the lane blocking her. She laid on her horn and then screeching tires in reverse backed up and pulled forward to try and nose me out of the other lane, to which I nosed back into that lane and we effectively blocked each other. I now controlled both lanes. I rolled down my passenger window and told her: "If you touch my car I will see you in court." She nudged up a little more, so I got out and wrote down her license plate. This enraged the little old lady more when she tried to open her door and found it blocked by my car.

(If this pisses you off, you should stop reading now)

"Dont you write down my personal information!" She yelled out the window. I got back in my car with a smile and she continued to yell. "Move your @#!" And gave a horn honk. "You Iranian looking mother F'er. Go back to the middle east!"

At this point I am laughing and looking for the hidden camera's. Seriously I was being very calm and even smiling as I replied to her.

"Lady, I am whiter than you are. My family has probably been in this country longer than yours."

"Don't you talk about my ancestors you "Sand-N-word"!" (I dont know if you are familiar with the term, but it is in fact the horribly racial slur you are thinking it is.) To which I was absolutely bewildered. What do you say to that? "You terrorist! Go back to Iran!"

At this point I laughed, to which she mocked "Ha Ha Ha! It's really funny!"

"Actually it is, you don't know how much fun Im having."

"I bet, you Sand-N-word. You Muslim terrorist!" At this point I was becoming very offended for people from the middle east, I felt like maybe I was from the middle east in some way... I mean Jesus is from the middle east after all and she has a cross hanging from the rear-view mirror... Maybe I should say something about that.

"I see you have a cross hanging from your mirror, I bet Jesus is very pleased with your behavior right now." I wish you could have seen the horror on her face. It was like I had just dumped ice down her shirt.

"YOU leave my lord and savior Jesus Christ out of this you Muslim terrorist! You F'ing Iranian Sand-N-word!"

"Yeah ok." I laughed.

"Ha ha ha!" She chirped mockingly. I used this time to fill out my deposit slip and turned off my engine. "Move your @# and go back to the middle east you F'ing Sand-N-word!" By this time I have noticed both cars have left and the people in the bank are trying to look busy as they gather around the window to listen.

"Do you kiss your kids with that mouth?"

"Yes I do!"

"Are they racist too?"

"Only against Muslim terrorist!"

"Do you even know what a Muslim is? .... You know, if you would have just moved we could be out of here by now." This is where I feel like Im dealing with a child and again the thought occurs I should just let it go... But then this old bat wins and Im sure thats what she's use to people doing. Plus shes a racist, the kind that give our country a bad name.

"You move your car Muslim! Why don't you leave the bank and go eat a sandwich, you skinny Sand-N-word! Your skinny, you look sick! Sick! It's disgusting!"

"Are you done?" Let me explain a few things... Everyone hates the skinny kid in highschool. The term man-o-rexic might have been invented by my highschool peers. So this bothered me.

"Why don't you shave off that beard and see how Allah likes it you F'ing Iranian Muslim!" And then she took it right where the worst of the worst in my gradeschool, Jr. High and Highschool always went. "You big toothed, big eared jackass! Why don't you go look in some mirrors and break them with your ugly face. Probably every mirror you look in cracks with those big Iranian teeth! You look sick! Blech!" This is like calling Marty McFly a chicken for me.

"Alright Grandma. Your face has more cracks than any mirror I've ever looked at." What am I doing? That barely even makes sense!

"Is everything ok Patricia?" Oh look people from the bank have come outside!

"No everything is not ok, you have this piece of Iranian trash stuck in the lane out here and you need to clean it up and send it back to it's own country. He's a terrorist and he's terrorizing decent American's." I'll give her the terrorizing part but the big teethed big eared jack-ass thing was unforgivable at this point so I dished back. Yep I let a 70 year old racist grandma get the better of me. Gotta problem with that? Cause I dont.

"I don't see a decent American! The only piece of trash I see is you, you red-neck racist piece of white trash!" Ok, calm down Brent.

"He's stealing my personal information and harassing me! He's a terrorist and a sand-n-word! He doesn't even have a license plate on that car of his!"

"Maybe if you didn't have cataracts you would have seen my license plate in my back window AND that I'm not Iranian!"

"You're a Muslim terrorist!"

"You obviously don't know what a Muslim is!"

"It's you!"

Just after this exchange the people from the bank convinced her to let them help her inside while I pulled back and went through the window. Note the whole drive home I thought about how silly the two of us were, but I maintain that its my right to wait for a lane to open up and if YOU (my readers) have a problem with that, go into the lobby when you see my car at the bank.

I have found this story is very polarizing. People either laugh their butt off and think the old lady is horrible or they think I am a child who should be locked up and get obviously upset with my behavior, which was quite in control until the end. Which hey, Im ok with. Without confrontation I wouldn't have these great experiences to share and learn from. Yes I said learn from.
"But Brent you didn't 'learn' anything!"
Haven't we all learned something???

XOXO
Iranian Terrorist

President Augustus Addresses Nation

2009-03-25T11:33:00.001-04:00

(I was just wondering what it would be like if I were president and had a primetime press conference like every week, with no warning, that messed up the TV schedule regardless of TIVO.)

"We now take you to Times New Roman for an important message from
President Augustus."

Thank you for attending my press conference this evening. I know this is last minute, but I really hate Ugly Betty. Without further delay, here are some crazy decrees I have. They will be carried out immediately.

First, energy is no longer a problem. We are all going to walk everywhere from now on... Or maybe travel in those tubes like at the bank. Only bigger. Yes we have a question?

"Um yeah, thats not really your idea, that was on Futurama."

Umm.... Ok thats not a question, is it? Keep your hand down from now on or I will have it removed, and have you beaten soundly with it. It's my idea ok! I have scientists working on the traveling tubes as we speak!

Next: Crime and tax payer burden... Two words. South Dakota... Is it even really a state? I have never met anyone from there, so we're going to fence, surround it with a shark infested mote and lasers, then place all federal prisoners on the newly formed cut-throat island. Oh and all sex offenders will be labeled via tattoo on forehead and then air dropped to the island wearing dresses.

Next item, immigration.
Easy enough. If you are coming into the country illegally, you are a terrorist, no questions asked. All border patrol will be armed with AK47's and are now fully authorized to shoot and kill anyone coming into the country illegally who is not wearing their passport around their neck. This goes double for Canada. Yes that means you will be shot, killed, revived, then shot and killed again.

Last, the economy: No more rich people and poor people.
From now on everyone is a CEO of a company and no one will work for anybody else, no one will ever get a bonus for anything or be special in anyway.
We are all now equals.
Wait... Hold on I need to think about that for a minute. I'll be back next week!

XOXO in 2032

Return to Utah Driving

2009-03-25T00:58:00.001-04:00

I love driving... I love driving fast. You should know this.You could say its the temptation I have been given to overcome. Problem is, with any temptation, I dont really want to overcome it. But speeding costs me money in speeding tickets and so I begrudgingly abstain from speeding.

My favorite is whever I go, anyone who isn't from there trash talk the drivers "Oh these people dont know how to drive out here!" or people who are from there say the exact same thing about anyone with a license plate out of state "Oh those Michigan drivers, they dont even teach them to drive up there!" (Ok bad example, Michigan drivers-ed is taught by the town least-drunk)
This is most evident if there is snow fall. Automatically everyone who isn't YOU, "doesnt know how to drive in snow!" and they are saying the same thing about you while you drive past them doing 60 on slush, you awesome driver you.

I love to drive in Chicago because everything is fast. Its like a race track, everything is split second, traffic is like a living entity that you are linked to, you move together and act as one. If some guy gets ran off the road and shot going 70 on i94... well he deserved that or it wouldn't have happend, besides I would cause an accident stopping.

I also love driving in Las Vegas. People start honking their horn the SECOND the light turns green. Just as it should be, no waiting! You should foresee the light turning green and actually start accelerating into pedestrians 1 second before the light turns green.

Utah (my home) is full of road rage and predatory driving. Between the ages of 16 and 18 I was in more non-police related high speed chases than I have eaten cheeseburgers in my life! People get out at lights to tell you what a moron you are and then when they are done they ask how you did on home teaching last month and see you at church Sunday.

And thus I love / hate driving in Indiana.

When I first moved here I was like "Wow, everyone is so courteous and nice behind the wheel. I like it!"
And then... After the 500th time of coming to a 4 way stop and NO ONE wanting to advance...
Car1: Motioning to everyone to go.
Car2: No, No, everyone else go ahead.
Car3: No, its ok, you guys go.
Car1: No seriously, its ok, go.
Car2: No its ok really.
Car3: Oh you guys! Its ok, go a head.
Brent's car: YOU MORONS! IM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL THEN THEN TAKE THE RIGHT OF WAY AWAY FROM YOU ALL!!!!
Cars1, 2, and 3: *Shocked and abhorred!* He went through..... He just stopped and waited and then went when no cars were coming... he went... It hasn't even been the minimum 5 minute safe waiting period........

In Utah I was a pike in a sea of sharks... In Indiana I am a shark in a pond of blue-gill!

XOXO
The guy honking behind you

DOUBLE....CHEESE.... BURGER!

2009-03-05T11:55:00.001-05:00

I haven't had a good rant on here in a while. Partly due to vacation in Utah.
So here goes, I am due.

I need to be on record as saying I am a happy person. I may not smile Joe Biden 24/7 but that does not mean I am not happy. I happen to be concerned about smile lines ok? (not really)
So keep in mind I am a happy freakin person.

I have been informed I am a jerk.
Ok that's nothing new... I've been told that weekly if not daily since the age of ... birth?

My wife's 2 complaints in question:
1: I dont hand money to cashiers, I put it on the counter and let them pick it up. She says I throw it on the counter... Now IF I do this, this is the same reason I cannot place playing cards on the table and must casually throw them from a distance... The reason is.... Im just cool, ok?

2: When ordering food and stuff, I am "rude"... Which really brings us to this blog post.

IF (thats a big "if" ha)... if ... I come off as rude, it is not without reason! I am jaded when it comes to food service industry.
I have been told I look like a cereal killer, caught people not washing their hands and then making burritos, and otherwise being UNcustomer friendly way too many times to keep going into fast food with a positive attitude. Fast Food is where people who can't pass background checks for the DMV (BMV) go to work.

Your JOB is food service... Do your JOB and we'll get along great.

Do NOT... do the following:

Give me what I ordered and give it to me with napkins, Ketchup packets (or catsup for you fancy people... you make me sick) and straws!

Don't say things like:
"Oh did you want straws?"
No I wanted to sip my coke through that little hole the straw goes in...
"Oh did you want napkins?"
Im eating the worlds most greasy salty, saucy food... I think one or two dozen napkins might be requisite.

When I am ordering, wait for me, the CUSTOMER, to indicate I am finished ordering. Don't ask if that's all after everything I say. If I have a rising intonation that means there is more coming. If I say something and end it with a falling terminative intonation I am done.

Do not burst out with my total after I've ordered one item. Likewise, do not keep giving me the running totally after each item. You are not my bank statement! Thats what this magical blinding red teleprompt is for.

ASK ME IF IM DONE following the guide-lines above of course.

If you do any of these things at the drive thru... I will keep ordering things I don't even have any intention of eating just so I can say the word "AND" really loud.

And I will sit and wait for you to come back to the window to ask if there is anything else so I can act surprised and go "Oh... I assumed you were finding napkins and straws?"

So I might be a jerk.... IDK (I dont know)
XOXO

AND......... an order of spicy curls. Ok Im done.

Lindsay Lohan.....(shiver)

2009-03-04T15:20:00.001-05:00

Ummm yeah, I hate Lindsay Lohan.
There is no reason any of us should even know who she is. We should be saying things like "Remember that really annoying red headed girl from that horrible horrible 3rd remake of the Parent Trap? No not the one the Olson Twins did, the OTHER other one. Yeah what was that girl's name? That's right no one knows or cares because she hasn't done anything since.
Other than that other really horrible remake of another bad Disney movie, HERBIE.

Anyway... for some cruel reason the world know who she is and she was at the Oscars. I was busy that night or I totally woulda gone just so I could "Accidentally" trip on her and break her in half and we could be done with it.
Anyway! She was there and a photo was taken of her which has confirmed one or two ~~facts~~ theories I have.

The photo in question.....

Lindsay Lohan is a bloodless creature of the under-world, that much we know for fact, but her actual classification is still unknown....
This picture just helps us narrow it to ... ALEIN OR VAMPIRE.

The StarTrek sheild symbol is a registered trade-mark of CBS Studios Inc.

If she is an alein, then we have no choice but to lock her in a deep dark dungeon miles below the earth's crust in the Nevada dessert.

If she is a vampire its the blood and vodka sucking monster of the night-club kind, and not the romantic sparkly kind (If you got that joke, may mercy be given your soul (and mine)). If this is the case we must drive a sharp wooden stake into her chest (it doesnt matter where as she has no heart, because she has no blood...

Something interesting happend to me...

2009-02-26T18:44:00.001-05:00

Just when you think you have nothing interesting going on, life takes a crap on you and says "Thats something interesting, blog about that!"

This is really kind of a two parter and I am told it's funny... I guess if it were someone else it would be pretty funny, so here you go.

1: I love RAMEN NOODLES.But I don't love them they way the rest of normal people do. I love them in their raw crunchy uncooked form! Just mash up the packet, but not too much, then dump in 1/2 to 3/4 of the "seasoning" packet, shake up and you are now ready to consume a crunchy snack that will fill your belly and make the roof of your mouth and gums bleed, and who doesn't love that?! Come on! (hmmm maybe people in Kentucky live off dry ramen and Mnt Dew....)Ramen comes in many flavors... Ummm let's see... Salt, Sea Salt, Natural Salt, Kosher Salt, Iodized Salt, Salty Soy Sauce, and Shrimp. Oh and my current favorite Picante Salt which tastes like salt had some jalapenos mummified in it.

2: So there I am sitting at my desk @ work on the late shift, thinking about how boring my life is and enjoying my spicy salty snack, leaning back in my chair when I tipped the bag and give it the old pat pat to shake the small crumblies into my mouth when suddenly salt acid was poured into my eyes.
Ya know how in cartoons when this happens (Japanimation?) the character lets out a scream that sounds like a train whistle and then leaps out of the chair straight into the air (that exactly what went down), runs for the nearest water source (the water cooler... its like 2 feet closer than the sink) and then open it directly into their eye like a firehose then sigh in sweet relief.... That relief does not come with water in real life.

Problem 1: Aside from the searing acid in my eye that is...
When you are in such pain, you aren't exactly "thinking CLEARLY", so the water cooler seems like a great idea, after all I am half blind at this point and can't see the sink a few feet away and to the right. Water coolers are at a low level which requires a strange angle for someone who is 6'4" to get their eye under.

Problem 2: Our water cooler at work, while nice and cold, does not have a drain... so with water running down my face, the tile floor now becomes somewhat slippery when wet.

Problem 3: Plastic water coolers do not provide any type of stability when your weight supported on them suddenly shifts. Nor are their giant 500lbs water bottles secured in any way, other than their own weight. So now laying on the ground problem 4 is realized.

Problem 4: Water does not flush out the capsation-oil contained in peppers. I remember this lesson because a co-worker at Lincoln once chopped jalapenos and then put in her contacts and couldn't open her eye the rest of 2005.
But wait, when you mouth is burning you drink milk and it stops right???? Luckily I keep some milk in the fridge at work and eat cereal at my desk with it!
I dont know if you have ever put milk in your eye... I don't really recomend it.
Luckily the human eye ball has these things called tears, and thanks to them I have not suffered any long term effects other than a headach, which was compounded by my 1 year old thinking its funny to head-bunt you and then laugh and say "BONK!". Oh and she kicked me in the circus... You know... in the crotch?

This week is almost over right?

XOXO
Half Blindman

Ummmm....

2009-02-26T12:39:00.001-05:00

I have nothing....

Usually there is plenty of ammusing things for me to rant about. Most of them end up in my dead drafts folder for one reason or another.

So I thought I would just submit the following....... No rant needed, just a title.

STIMULUS PACKAGE

Kids. Their job is to kill you.

2009-02-17T14:24:00.001-05:00

First off, did you know if you have a BlogSpot you can go into Customize, Layout, Add Gadget and add FOLLOWERS. This will give you a little box in the right hand of your blog that lists people who follow your blog and if you follow me, I'll follow you!
But if you don't do it we're not friends anymore........ Im serious..........
Ok, you're dead to me.

There are like two good ages for children.

The first is Nathan's age. Birth. They are cuddly and just want to nap and be held all the time.They only make noise when they want to be fed or changed and their poop is little.

Then they learn to crawl and its all over. Now they are little dust mops off to find every dust bunny and piece of hair they can fit in their mouth. They will find pieces of food you didnt know existed. "Wow! We haven't had fish sticks since Lent!"

The Japanese have attempted to capitalize on this age with the baby dust mop... Way to go Japan... Make those babies earn their keep!

The next good age is when they are about 1.5, they are still cute and cuddly, no longer covered in a film of dust and hair from the floor. They can now feed themselves and they only know a few words so they haven't learned to back talk yet, but this age can be short lived once Huh-uh! or No is learned. This starts the age of back-talk.

It seems like the next good age would be once they can dress themselves... But this just means they can CHANGE their clothes and come up with Keith Richards inspired clothing combinations moments before you have to leave for that court date on the whole child negligence thing over buying the dust mop onesie on Ebay.JP and letting your child eat ancient fish sticks.

From there you can look forward to years of your children trying to kill you by setting fire to things like the tent you are sleeping in, jumping off the house, making parachutes out of king bed sheets in high winds (it so worked for like 100 feet!), stitches, and many late night phone calls from parents and police, high car insurance after multiple car wrecks etc....
Cherish the younger years while you can, if its too late...... its ok, the sweet release of death or warrant of the state can't be too far off.

XOXO
Holding my 1 month old, watching my 3 year old talking the 1 year old into getting under the clothes basket and doing nothing to stop it.

NASCAR

2009-02-12T16:27:00.001-05:00

When I moved to Indiana I thought, "Oh it might be cool to live with Indians..."
I didn't know I would be surrounded by NASCAR fans instead.

I have to hear all the freakin time about Number so and so and how amazing he can drive in a circle... I drove 30 laps in a circle once, It resulted in me and my friends being pulled out of the car for a sobriety check. No soberity check needed at NASCAR, because everyone is 3 drinks past drunk. How else can you stand NASCAR?

Imagine if spinning around in a circle was a sport, and it didn't just happen once, but every Sunday and some weekdays 9 months a year so you could rank who was best at spinning in a circle. Of course the real reason these 12 toed W.T. hill people are watching NASCAR is waiting for flaming wreckage. Of course then when it happens and someone dies, then you are contractually oblegated to buy comemerative plate collections, special edition collectors watches, playing cards, beer can cozies, chewing tobaco spit cups, and a mariad of other crap sporting the deceased's face and racing number.

My brother and I use to have races to see who could muck a horse stall the fastest, and that was more of a sport than NASCAR.

Hmmmm things that are more of a sport than NASCAR!
Here we go!
Women's golf
Croquette
Hot dog eating contest
Geriatric Synchronized Swimming
All you can eat buffets
Taking a nap
Going to the bathroom
Omelet making contest

Feel free to leave a comment of things you can think of that are more of a sport than NASCAR!

The dog ate my homework last night...

2009-02-09T09:30:00.001-05:00

The good'ol days of being 17... skipping class... Job's only lasted the summer, just like romances...

I had this awesome band that almost went big-time! Brental Attack! We were so cool!

I remember this one time my friends and I were trying to get concert tickets and then we found a bag full of money, there was like $3,000 in the bag, so we decided to camp-out all night in the mall and buy as many concert tickets as possible when the box office opened, then scalp the tickets, keep the $$$,$$$ we'd make and return the money we found. Kinda like finder's fee investing...

Well turns out the money belonged to gangsters who tried to kill us, so we hid out in the mall all night camping in a sporting good's store (which is also the first place I would have looked for us). Undetoured from our ticket scalping operation, smarter people would have gotten out of the mall... Come to find we were really on a hidden camera show.

Oh and this other time some of my friends started an all girl band, and I was their manager, only my friend Jesse became adicted to caffeine pills (which Im still not sure why that is dangerous...) and she did it all in the name of needing to study so she could be validictorian. I guess caffeine is the gateway drug to harder drugs like Red-Bull, and heroine? She never did get validictorian.

Principal Belding was pretty worried... Wait... TIME OUT! I didn't have Mr. Belding...
Wait, those things didn't happen to me, those are some of my favorite episodes of Saved by the Bell!

Ok,TIME IN!

If you were born say 1977-1983 then your life should have been molded by the students of BaySide. They taught us so much about issues we were all dealing with... Remember when they saved animal's from the school pond after an oil spill also at the school pond? That was to teach us... well... something I'm sure.

Oh and I know we all had a Johnny Dakota (Big fake movie star) who we idlized until he came to our school, tried to steal our girl friend and offered us all pot.

So where are our classmates now?
Well Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) made a movie called show girls, which I never saw cuz hello it was rate NC17 and had Jessie, not Kelly, as a stripper. And Im sure it sucked cuz she hasn't made anything since, and I never hear anyone defending it saying "That movie was GOOD!"

Zack (Mark Paul Gosselaar) actually was pretty good in his support role on NYPD Blue.

A.C. Saltter (Mario Lopez) Did a daytime talk show with Dick Clark? Danced with other "stars" and M.C.'ed Miss America this year...

Kelly (Tiffany Amber Theissen... wait is that what's in my whole-grain bread?) Was in the short lived series Fast Lane, which I loved, inspite of her character, because of the little white guy with the attitude and all the sweet cars and guns.

Screetch and Lisa (Dustin Diamond and Lark Voorhies) ....... (insert audio of chirping crickets)

If Saved by the Bell were on when I get home from work, I would totally DVR and watch every last episode, start to finish. Heck I might find them online and watch them on lunch today.
I probably shouldn't tell anyone that.

Now POP Quiz. Vote over on the right --->
Who were the gang in line to get tickets to see?

George Michael, U2, Collective Soul, or Toad the Wet Sprocket?

BTW, where is Principle Belding now???
Oh that's right, in Vegas with strippers. Just like my principle, Stevie Oliverson.
Way to go Richard.

PETA..... Gimme a break!

2009-02-05T15:56:00.001-05:00

I hate PETA... I really do, I remember during the pre-election, some PETA woman asked Mitt Romney what he intended to do about the homeless pet population, and he almost died laughing and became my hero when he replied "well I dont think thats an issue the president needs to be concerned with given the pressing matters our country is going through."
Any organization who puts animal "rights" before human rights can kiss my white butt.

Animals have the right to be tasty!
They have the right to be rare, medium rare, medium or well done. They have the right to look slamming when turned into fashionable clothing on models. The end of animal's rights.

PETA is in an outrage that Giorgio Armani used fur in his most recent fashion line. Armani had made statements years ago that he was sympathetic and understanding of animal cruelty movements and would abstain from using animal products in his clothing. PETA is now demanding that celebrities everywhere boycott Armani at the Oscars Feb 22nd, less than 3 weeks from today. Maybe they dont realize that people going to the Oscar's dont buy their Armani at the outlet mall the week before the Oscars.

A couple of things.... Who the crap cares what PETA thinks??? Is PETA even still around? I thought all the tree hugging hippies were outlawed or holding cabinet positions in the new administration.
Seriously PETA? Get over it.

I don't see PETA in outrage that KFC is serving tasty chicken products...
Where is the outrage for McDonalds for serving mostly beef and other "sorta-meats"?
Here is what PETA SHOULD be pissed about and asking the Oscars to help boycott Dreamworks!

(copyright Dreamworks Productions 2009)

This is by far a million times worse than killing a unicorn to wear as a coat with matching unicorn horn earrings and necklace combo and baby seal skin stilettos and a purse made from polar bear!

I'd be curious to see PETA's priorities flow chart.

IF animal involved was raised in a warm barn and fed lots of fattening food and is now dead & being worn for fashion, THEN "go bat crap crazy!"

IF animal involved is human & homeless, hungry, dying in a gutter, THEN "who cares?" Not PETA.

XOXO
I want a steak...

Super Dee-Duper Bowl!

2009-02-02T10:34:00.001-05:00

Super Dee-Duper Bowl!
~~It's a hydoponic maui-wowie chronic pcp blend grown by monks in the high andes fired in a magical crystal bowl bong forged by the fires of mount-doom...~~

It's not a calcium and rust removing toilet bowl cleaner... Although I would be more likely to watch that for 4 hours... Yeay the super bowl is next week!!! What? Last night? Oh... Ok...
Yeay! Awesome commercials to watch on YouTube during lunch today!

FACT: I have never watched an entire super bowl... I have watch part of 3.... The Raider were in one... The Cowboy in another and Green-bay in another. I have no years on those. Have any of those teams played each other in the Super Bowl? Cuz maybe I've only seen part of one that all 3 of them were in. Huh? Maybe? Ok, they may have not even happened.
The last time I watched any part of the Super Bowl? 1998.

No secret, I don't like football. I can watch college ball but I have littel clue what's going on. NFL? To me that means "Nerve-Fiber-Layer", I couldn't care less about the NFL, 90% of them are over paid, under talented, steroid abusing, womanizing, jokes who sadly are held up to be roll models to young boys across the nation.

I learned this trick from my friend Chris Ford, when someone is talking about football you just nod and no matter what they've said you just reply "Thats amazing." In-practice: "That looser dropped the ball 5 times!" Reply: "Thats amazing!" "They beat them by (1 to 5,000,000 points)" Reply: (All together now) "Thats amazing!"

Still, there will be more video streamed in office's around the country today than during the inauguration, all in the name of Super Bowl commercials, the one good thing to come from the Super Bowl. Still not enough to get me to watch Live.

I love when someone at work comes up to me and is all "Did you see the Super Bowl?!" and I say...
"No, the World Figure skating finals were this weekend. (seriously)"
And they take an uncomfortable step backward and say "Aren't you married?"
"Yes."
"To a woman?"
"Yep."
"And you have kids?"
"Yep, 3 kids, count'em... 1-2-3."
"I gotta go."

XOXO

The Snuggie

2009-01-30T09:11:00.001-05:00

(I apologize for the length of this post but its WORTH IT!)

When I was a kid I had this red robe and when I would watch Transformers every Saturday morning in it, only I would put it on backward so I could sit on the closing and stay warmer. I guess the concept of a blanket was too advanced for me?
Little did I know I could have been saving on my heating bills!!!

The Snuggie owes me royalties dang it!
This is the most ridiculous piece of crap I have ever seen, and sorry ladies, anyone who buys this should be removed from society and placed on an island in the Arctic. Your snuggies will keep you warm, right? Yes I just assumed that only women are buying these as no self respcting man would be caught dead in one of these things.

I am aware that people I know (and once respected) have bought the snuggie, so please take this the right way, in fun... and condescending judgement.
How can someone be making millions off marketing a backward robe?!
WHO IS BUYING ALL OF THESE FREAKIN THINGS?!
Let's just look at some of the "selling points" / "features" of the snuggie, shall we? Yes lets.

Hands free... I pretty much demand all my blankets be hands free... Don't you? I guess if you had an IQ of 6 you might need a handsfree blanket and thats probably the target customer anyway. Or did you mean I walk in the room and it just jumps on my body without me touching it?

Oversized sleeves? Is that a feature or a defect that lets in cold air? They should market this as "Giant wizard sleeves so your spell casting isn't effected!"

Super Large... Do I even need to go there?

Perfect for Outdoors... The TV add shows someone tailgating at a foot ball game... I think not, eating finger sandwiches at the US Figureskating finals, MAYBE and even then I bet you get beat up by people less gay looking than you. People like Brian Boitano, Viktor Petrenko, Johny Weir & Yevgeny Plushenko (and now possibly me for not having to use google to get those names. Zoinks!)

But wait! The true mark of a high quality product is the fact that for only $19.95 you get not one, but TWO! Yes, TWO! Snuggies
(Insert Seasame Street Count laughing here)
"Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah!"

But Wait! The Snuggie also can be used as a Grand Wizard's robe for KKK meetings!

BUT WAIT! There's more! It can't be a real high quality product unless it comes with something that is guaranteed fall apart the 2nd time you use it or show it to someone.

That's why the snuggie comes with this craptastic reading light! Clip it to your book and watch it slide off and fall over or ever keep you from turning the pages! Yeay!

You'll be amazed at how much time you will waste trying to reclip this sucker everytime you finish a page!

You might expect to pay upwards of $2.30 for this high quality robotic reading light on Amazon and Google, but since the whole-salers are trying to disassociate them selves with these pieces of plastic crap, and the class action law suits that are no doubt being filed against the manufactures by people suckered into actually PAYING for this thing, it's yours for free!
(Disclaimer: By accepting your snuggie and reading light you hear by agree that you forfeit all rights to take future legal action against the creators of the robotic reading light for pain and suffering and mental anguish.)

I promise these kid's are getting beat up first thing Monday morning after being seen at this game. The boy is also going to be knick-named "Snuggie Poo" for life and that is not a name a boy want's from Jr. high to death (which will be at some point in highschool)
"Come on defense, cast your Mordenkainens Magical Watch-Dog spell on the end zone! Go Gryffindor!"

According to the creator, 2.8million orders have been placed for over 4.25 million total sales of these things. Thats $84 million gross, so if they are making 15% net profit that's $12,750,000 in this chump's pocket! Holy crap, my head might explode in rage.... Wait for it..... keep waiting.... We'll come back.

Obviously if they have sold more than 4 million of this pieces of fleece excrement, our economy can't be doing that bad! If you have so much money laying around you are spending $20 on one of these? No tax return, no economic stimulus package for you!

I feel like Im taking crazy pills here! (still waiting for head to explode)
Personally I'm waiting for the Tom Cruise endorsement that the Snuggie must be worn at all times so when the Alien overlords come to earth, those who are with snuggie may be saved and taken up, and the rest burned alive. I will be proud to set my self on fire on that great day.

You know you love me,
XOXO

Hot pocket

2009-01-26T09:37:00.001-05:00

A Hot-Pocket is an interesting thing. It is a pastry substance filled with meaty, cheesy saucy stuff made from whatever is left over after they make hot-dogs and canned pastas. Being able to eat them is a lot like being able to eat old lunch meat, or 10 for $1.00 burritos, it takes some building up the old digestive track.

I remember the day of being 15 and two hot pockets would yield a couple hours of tummy churning gurgles. 3 earned you an urgent trip to the bathroom! If you could eat 4 you earned Fear Factor Champion Status.

I can eat 6 sausage egg & cheese Breakfast pockets. Actually I might be able to eat 8... But I know for sure I can eat 6. How do I know this? WHY do I know this?

Our fridge at work as long been a mystic time capsule filled with things placed in the freezer for safe keeping in hope that someday Tom Cruise and the alien over-lords will study our freezer will study what people were eating in March 2005. The obvious draw back to this is with 40 people sharing one fridge how is there room to fit everything inside? Well there isn't, and thats how you end up with egg's rolls from 2006 buried in the bottom. Now a few weeks ago out office admin decided to clean out the fridge and throw away anything that didn't have someone's name on it or was grossly past the BEST IF USED BY DATE. The email went out that on Friday at 2pm the purge would begin. This is where Christmas 2 happens for Brent and Mark.

I'm still 17 & I eat like it too!
With Sharpies in hand at 1:45pm we stationed ourselves as a buffer between freezer and trash can, putting our names on any and all unclaimed Hot-Pockets.
Brent's haul: A box of 6 Breakfast Pockets, 2 Peperoni pockets, 1 Chicken Broccoli & Cheese Pocket, & some LeChoy egg rolls. I promptly nuked the eggs rolls and eat them as 2nd lunch.

So in short I had 6 Breakfast pockets: which are a tad smaller than the regular lunch/dinner pockets (AKA Liner-Pocket in the Hot Pocket Circles) so I ate 2... then I figured hey I have 4 more I should eat 2 more... So I ate 2 more and figured well I'm not quite full... I should eat the other 2 so they aren't lonely. So I did.

Regrets: NONE! I have earned the right and privilege to suck down multiple Hot Pockets without so much as a single trip to the bathroom! Stomach of iron here baby! (Inside, not out. Outside it's more like hot pocket dough...)

How: I don't believe in washing the bowl at my desk, other than with water, I eat pizza that's been left out over night, I haven't washed my water bottle in months.... I keep a healthy level of unhealthy bacteria in my system at all times.

Afterthoughts:
Why is it that Hot Pockets are always a layer of molten lava sauce and cheese like product encasing a lump of still very cold matter?

Defiant Conformity

2009-01-23T09:14:00.001-05:00

One of my friends commented that my blog graphics seem really borring and bland, so I thought "Wow... Clint's a jerk." and then I thought "He is right, where is my youthful (approaching middle aged) splash of color and personality???" and then I thought "Clint's still a jerk." ;)

So if you know me, really know me, then you know my new blog title is me!

Defiant Conformity:
The eventual submission to adapt to a popular activism, belief, way of thinking, or other behavior, after an initial resolution or disposition of resistance.

Social Defiance:
The cognitive bias of resisting behavior, action, activity or otherwise submitting to popular or majority standard(s) for no other reason than doing so (or rather not doing so) out of spite.

I have this irrational fear that someday I will accidentally open a mysterious box that will come in a lot of crap I buy at an estate auction for a crazy old scientist / monk and suddenly I travel in time and find myself face to face with 18 year old Brent, and I gotta tell ya, thats scary, because if 28 year old Brent comes face to face with 18 year old Brent and 28 year old Brent is wearing kakhis from the GAP and my red, pink, and blue plad button up shirt from AE and my black slip on dress shoes.... 28 year old Brent is probably going to get the CRAP kicked out of him! He / I will probably use the chains for my wallet to strangle myself and stab me with the safety pins in the side hem of my pants.
Oh and then I find out the estate auction was for myself!

So while I feel Im somehow abandoning my anarchist, buck authority teenage self, adult me is proud of the fact that I think my minivan is awesome! Yeah I said awesome! Yeah I cut my hair AND I use gel! And so what if a couple of years ago I watched the entire series of Dawson's Creek from start to finish? Check this out 18 year old Brent, I have a house! with a yard and trees! HA! And a Laptop! And a 3Ghz 64bit quad-core computer with 2 Gig of memory and 1.36 Terabytes of disk space! So eat it!
And of course, best of all, I have 3 cute kids and a freakin sexy wife!

Conformity isn't soo bad. You don't have to sell out, just buy in.

I am defiant conformity.

There is something wrong with me...

2009-01-09T10:49:00.001-05:00

This is something wrong with me. OR the more likely, there is something wrong with everyone else! I dont know how many of these child dying "make a wish" humanity stories I have had forwarded to me over the years, but I have yet to read one that wasn't so over the top hokey that it made me laugh while my peers are tearing up. It's not that Im some unfeeling jerk with a heart of stone. I cried when Dr. Mark Green died on ER, when Satine the prostitute died in Moulin Rouge, and when the first scratch was put on my Flyer Miami Electric Guitar.

The problem isn't me, don't be ridiculous, it's the story tellers.

My problem isn't with the acts of charity, it is with the "telephone game" style retellings of the story for some strange internet publicity game. I likewise take issue with local new crews going to schools when parents come back form Iraq and surprise them and they do the whole slow motion running hug crap... Why must people intrude on otherwise beautiful moments?

The kid is usually named something like Billy. The original story might be like he always wanted to be a cop, so he gets to go to the station and they give him a badge and he gets to go in a car and flip the siren and donuts with them. Then some cops come to his funeral. The end.

This is will invariably turn into a preface where Billy never had any friends, his atheist Dr. is the best there is but has no hope for him living more than a week. He shocks everyone when he lives two months and his dream of being a policeman comes true when he gets his own badge and glock 9mm, his own Dodge Charger and license to give out tickets and shoot people. While making a routine traffic stop he shoots a mass murdering bank robber the police have been looking for and then sees an out of control bus full of children, elderly nun's and puppies with a bomb attached that will explode should the bus drop below 88mph and also explode if anyone weighing more than 60lbs steps on board, he springs into action and climbs into the bus through a hole in the bottom.

He defuses the bomb and saves them all. Then on the day he is dying the entire police force and all the nun's and puppies show up to his room, lining the hall ways. Puppies are usually against hospital regulation but come on, it's Billy! With his last breath he asks the Chief of Police "Are you my friends? Am I a real cop now?" to which the big hearted Chief replies "You are the Chief of Police! And your best friend of all, Jesus, is here too!" to which Billy replies "I know, he's been hand cuffed to me all day!" and then dies in the Police Chief's arms while they all sing amazing grace and baptize the atheist Dr. who never believed in anything but Science until that moment.

Oh his parents are there somewhere too...... Im sure they did something to make him happy at some point but probably not so why mention them. (Yes thats a period not a question mark because I want it to be a cold statement rather than a nonchalant question.)

And another thing, people dont usually have last words... Last words are usually like "Watch me jump this" , "Hey check this out" , "I'll have that rare" and then they actually die a few days later of the complications.

XOXO
Medium Rare Brent

Expired in 2006

2009-01-05T20:36:00.001-05:00

Back with a vengeance in 09 baby!
(Speaking of which... Did I mention that Dec 30th I was sitting at home watching some killer giraffes fly on the leathery wings of a bat and drink gasoline and breath pure fire on TV (if you dont know what Im talking about click here NOW)... when I heard foot steps. Now usually at 10pm foot steps mean Vivian is up, but then I saw a shadow about 5 feet up the door way and I jumped up to kill to intruder when I noticed said intruder was a smiling female face.It was my sister-inlaw and BFF Vanessa (Va-nasty) who surprised us all by flying in from Vegas for her BFF Laura's bridal shower and New Years. Highlight of my year? Must have been. Well highlight of the day anyway... although those vampire giraffes are pretty awesome....TIE)

First order of business in 2009? Eating something that expired in 2006.

Yes 2006! This means I lived in Utah when I bought said item.

Dont worry though, it's not cream cheese of lunch meat, it's just a pasta-roni.

What do I hope to accomplish by this feat? Well I guess satisfy the fact that Im hungry for some Alfredo? and ummm put to rest some preconceived notions about food storage?

One thing I learned while Macy was in Night School at the Paul Mitchell Academy was how to church up food! Eating an entire Pasta-Roni (or two), or Mac'N'Cheese (or two) while studying strategic management was not an uncommon thing for me. It is generally referred to as Anarchy Cooking.

I was first introduced to the principles of Anarchy Cooking by the lovable Old James in 1997. Wait... I didn't learn Anarchy Cooking from Old James.... Old James wasn't even there... I dont even know nobody named Old James... Shoot. Well at any rate someone taught me how to Anarchy Cook in the middle of the night (around 4:20am) at my friend Christian's house while his family was in California. He opened the fridge and saw a dozen eggs, some Parmesan cheese, brown stuff, old Sunny D and lots of spices. "I can make this work" he said as he threw them together in a bowl and made the best darn omelet I have ever had.

Since then I have mastered the art of taking things like Pasta-Roni or minute rice and turning out amazingly tasty dishes.

4-5 year old Pasta-Roni
(Assuming it takes 1 year of ownership for Pasta to go bad?)
Put 1 1/2 cups water into a pan and add all kinds of crazy spices from the rack you normally wouldn't put in something to send to those neighbors you don't like.

Add 1 cup of butter and cook until aldente!

I don't know what's more worrisome:
I just ate an entire thing of Pasta-Roni
Said Pasta-Roni was expired
I think it's awesome that I did A and B.

Where am I in 09?

2009-01-05T12:05:00.001-05:00

Where have I been? Well I'll tell you. Obviously.

Let's see, Friday Dec 19th 2008, 5 days before Christmas, there was an icestorm in which the entire town lost power.
The transformers start blowing at 5:35am and sounded like we were under attack as tree limbs crashed to the ground, power lines shorted out and caused transformers to explode. Not the good kind of transformers that save us from doom, the kind that when they go out cause you to freeze to death in your own home.
10am our house was 55 degrees and we BAILED!

Friday 11am: Here is one of 3 major limbs that fell, the next one to fall would rip the meter out of our house.

Friday afternoon, we bailed out my motherinlaw who was trapped as her garage door is electric. I still say my fatherinlaw laughed all the way to work knowing that one! ;) So after winterizing my house dumping pipes and moving debris we went to the nice warm mall where there is always power! Total houses without power in the region? 180,000 residence's times by 2.8 people her household 504,000 people roughly.

It is around this time I start to wonder why Im so lazy and didn't replace the thermostat in our Minivan sooner as it now blows about 65 degrees... Which I guess is technically warmer than outside...

Brent see's multiple Photo Ops! Click here to see my Ice-Storm pictures on flickr.

Friday Night still no power so we got Pizza and went to Macy's sister's house (Chad and Natalie) for a sleep-over. Queue picture of Chad eating said Pizza...

Saturday Dec 20th still no power and the temperature in the house @ noon was 38 and dropping. At this point I had to go put a lower control arm on the GrandAm as the city picked the perfect week to give me a notice to have it done. Christmas nuts the town over have official frozen.
Saturday 6pm: we sleep over at my inlaw's as they now have power back on. Temperature in Casa Di'Augustuso: 35 or less as the thermostat stopped at 35....

Sometime Sunday morning power is restored and the house takes about 3 hours to warm back up to 60.... Go figure.

Tuesday I fix the thermostat in the minivan and it is now blowing hot. I also use this time to wire in the new Remote Starter I got Macy for Christmas.... Downside? The head-lights will now not turn off... Remote starter.... head lights.... For those of you who aren't mechanically inclined the starter and the headlights are TOTALLY UNRELATED!

Christmas happens: In what is becoming a Quadra-Yearly Christmas Tradition my father-inlaw slide off a country road and had to be pulled out. I got a 14 gallon Shop-Vac! Yeay!

New Years happens, I discover I am awesome at Guitar Hero hitting 91% my first try.
Friday I work a half day, thank goodness, because I got the freakin flu!

So here I am, finally my core temp has returned to normal (florel-lavage not needed), half deaf from congesstion in my ears and doing grrreat with '08 behind me.

First snow... horriblly funny results!

2008-12-17T10:13:00.001-05:00

Would you rather poop your pants in your new car... Or go by the side of the road in the snow storm when it's 18 out-side with freezing rain? Think about it and vote on the poll over to the right --->

The first real snow fall of the year came last night and has already brought me two stories...
First on the way to work I saw a fox, who seemed to not be afraid of me as I pulled up next to him and he just stood looking at me like 3 feet away! I thought about opening the car door and explaining to Macy he just jumped in and followed me home, can we keep him, can we, can we, can we?! But then I remembered I like my face attached to my skull and would not like it gnawed off. But then again I would get an early Christmas Vacation PAID.

The second is going to cross the TMI line (Too much information), shoot its going to full out run past the TMI line until its just a blip of a vanishing point.

The snow began to fall sometime in the late afternoon along with freezing drizzle. By the time I left work the world was a slick white mess just waiting for salt and car wrecks! Every year the same thing happens, no one remembers how to drive in snow. Likewise the people who aren't from that state automatically think they are now the only one who knows how to drive in the snow and level judgemental groans like "People in Canada don't know to drive in the snow! Im from Arizona! I KNOW how to drive in the snow!" (sorry Josh, but it's ok, I do it too ;)

It took an hour and 15 minutes to get to my church building. Once I was done with financial clerking duties I ventured home. The state Road I take home across the vast corn fields looked as if it was the road that the plows forget. Taking the road at 25miles per hour and corners at 10, I was still fearful I would end up in a ditch... Little did I know I was fated to do just that, but not by the means I thought.

About 15 minutes into the drive my stomached turned against me and headed south for the winter. I dawned on me a few minutes later that only driving 25-30mph I may not make it home in time... Suddenly my stomach spoke... Strange I know! It said "PULL THE CAR OVER!" and so I did just that. Turning on the first country road I came to, I pulled a goodly distance away from the main road and with winter coat on, fist full of McDonalds napkins and the spirt of The Boy Scouts, I stepped into the -10 wind chill, ice and snow.
About this time I see some very bright headlights turn onto the road toward me. I don't know if you are familiar with the sudden wave of panic that accompanies that moment.. Get's me every time. Luckily I did what I needed to, and kicked some snow over my tracks as a large man got out of the truck and said. "Ya need some help digging out!" walking my way...
"No!... I mean, no. That's ok. I think I got it." I replied.
"Ya sure?"
"Yep! Im sure!" I got into my car and my heart suddenly dropped and I screamed "NO!" when I put it in drive and my tires spun..... But wait! A glimmer of hope... The car was creeping forward fractions of an inch at a time! Luckily the frozen dirt under the snow pack was giving me traction! Bit by bit the car moved until it finally caught traction and lunged forward. I drove out of sight as quickly as 20 miles an hour will allow as his truck bright's were giving a glow of mid-day to the new fallen snow. Luckily my license plate was totally covered with snow in the back window!
And now for the TMI part... Im still trying to get my butt's core temperature back to normal.

If you have never gone potty outside, you are A: a girl, B: a lying girl.