Home Improvement

I have learned a lot while remodeling our house. The previous home owner has taught me all kinds of things! Like did you know you don't need expensive power tools? You can use kitchen knives as saws and screw drivers and just leave them in walls, ceilings and crawl space after you bury the bodies. . . I mean after you are done with dry wall.

In the red-neck spirit of our former home owners I have decided to give some handy home building and remodeling advice! You'll thank me later!

New roof - Start saving those burned pancake to reuse as roofing material! By the time you need a new roof you should have a stock pile of roofing material that cost you nothing! Seal them with driveway sealer every few years and you will have a long lasting, inexpensive roof that is easy to repair and can be eaten during the Zombie Apocalypse.

You can save on the cost of paint - by flinging expired milk and dairy products on the walls. Stores will probably pay YOU to take it home. You never know what color you might end up with. For a chic finish simply rub left over bacon grease on the dried walls for a unique designer patina. Plus the house will always smell like bacon! 

Instead of expensive hardwood flooring - just remove the floor. You can cover the ground under the house with less expensive sand for an indoor playground for the kids year round, and never have to worry about mopping or vacuuming again! Floor joists make great monkey bars and balance beams to strengthen your core muscles. Plus: No more litter box for kitty! Don't have a cat??? You will soon have hundreds of cats, opossums, and stray monkeys to love and adore!

Windows - Who needs windows? Those are so 20th century. "Dark is in" says the Emo Kids! Windows are expensive! Why not just be done with them, and return to our cave dwelling roots. The energy savings and building/remodeling costs will amaze you! The gas company will actually start paying you! You can grow your own mushrooms all over the house with little effort. They will probably start springing up spontaneously! Plus kids thrive in the dark!


Foundation - You don't actually need a foundation. You can just put a large rock under each corner of the house. When it rains you will have a soothing water feature your guests are sure to be jealous of! What about mice? No worries. Your hoard of animals are sure to protector the perimeter of your home by killing, eating and burying the remains of anything that enters! ... including certain in-laws ;) If the county inspectors give you crap, show em your gun, or suspend the house from your trees with tow strap. They have no building codes for international air-space! 

Go Green! Whether building or remodeling, you can't go wrong with earth friendly, heavy duty recycled cardboard for walls and siding material. A great alternative to earth-unfriendly foam and vinyl! In a house fire you can smile at the plumes of eco friendly white smoke while all of your neighbors homes darken the skies with their toxic black clouds as they catch fire from your debris. This will also make it easy for the house to biodegrade back to mother earth after you die, or a pack of rabid raccoon's move in to feast upon your bacon paint and pancake roof.

I hope these tips have helped! I have had fun learning as I go. Next week I will give you tips on upgrading your Personal Computer and or Heatlh Care.