Paul McCartney looks like a British woman...

Susan Boyle is looking well these days . . .
That looks like who? Paul McCartney? Hmm. I don't see it.

A Christmas kind of blog: Toys that make noise... not for long.

I enjoy trying to trick my kids into thinking their toys comes to life. Disney has helped me A LOT with the Toy Story movies. You would think their crying in fear in the night would bother me as their toys watch them, but not so much...

We have this Whinnie The Pooh talking story book and when the batteries started failing, it started going off at random. As the battery got lower, the recordings got slower, until eventually Whinnie the Pooh's laugh sounded more like Whinny McSatan the daemon bear at 2am when you are half awake on the toilet! I don't know what I thought I was going to do to a daemon with a Cutco knife as I sneaked into the family room, but what would you have done?! The same thing, that's what!

I was doing some Christmas shopping and a baby doll with motion detection came alive and scared me. I punched it in the face as I flinched.

I also saw a toy truck, in GIANT RED LETTERS the words "I CAN TALK!" were on the box. "Ummm, k. I guess I am NOT buying you!"
Come on! Are you marketing for my three year old who not only can't read but has no money? If you want the parent to buy the toy, how about putting this on the box "I CAN WHISPER!" or "I am as quiet as the dead!"

How about a secret switch hidden inside with the batteries for WHISPER MODE, where the child has to be quiet and listen to hear the noises? EVERY PARENT WOULD WANT ONE! Tell me you wouldn't buy that just because its the only whisper toy on the market!

I am convinced that grandparents are trying to punish their children by buying their grandchildren toys they know will annoy them! I know when I buy something I think, "Ok as a parent would I want this in my house?" If the answer is no, why would I do that to someone else??? Oh, because the kid will like it? Give me a break, my kids have a solar powered calculator they call a "super computer" and is frequently held in higher value than anything that blinks and beeps!
You know what I call a present that makes noise?
A: Something to throw at a opossum
B: Donation to Good-Will or D.I.

C: Going to get stabbed in the speaker with my swiss army knife to reduce the volume FOR GOOD.
D: Going to "mysteriously" disappear and my kids will never notice.

The answer is ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Merry Christmas!

Post Twilight Depression

Disclaimer: I'm not an Anti-Twilight, so don't sharpen your vampire slaying stick and hide in the back seat of my car just yet. I have seen all of the movies thus far and will continue.

There is a new physiological disorder being documented, a unique form of depression effecting women (and gay men) ages 12-65. The disorder is called "Post Twilight Depression" (or clinically Post Obsessive Disillusioned Depression).

Have no fear, I am here to help you understand the disorder and make it through this thing!
(Stay with me here ;)

Here's a real life account of someone "suffering" from Post-Twilight Depression.

"It's like a drug,” writes Ally. “I have to read it or I break down crying. It’s awful. I don’t want to tell anyone about it. But I fear it’s unhealthy..." (fear substantiated) My husband finally came to me and said, ‘I think you love “Twilight” more than you love me. I ended up moving out of the house and fought for my marriage for six weeks and getting rid of all my Twilight dolls and posters. I had to take a step back and detox myself from ‘Twilight.’ I was really angry that I had allowed it to suck me in. Now I meet women every single day where ‘Twilight’ has become a major issue in their marriage.” ...........no words here.............

The disorder is described as: As result of the complex mixed feeling of wondering awe and devastating sadness when a person (female) finishes the last book of the Twilight saga to realize the series is over, the journey is at an end, life no longer has meaning.

Progression and Phases of Post Twilight Depression:

1. Disbelief / Isolation and withdraw
   The initial shock may cause the person to refuse to believe the series is over and withdraw from interactions with others to maintain distance from any situation or conversation that might force them to confront the truth... That they are a freak.
2. Anger
   Once the individual has gotten passed the initial disbelief and shock it is common to feel anger, either aimed at characters of the book, Stephanie Meyer the author, boy friend or spouse (unlikely) or those douche bags who speak against the series (Also known as an Anti's or one who is Anti-Twilight, how dare they!!!).
   One sixteen year old girl acted out against an Anti classmate, going all Victoria on her, attempting to slit her throat in Algebra. I hate math too, so I am going to pardon this one.
3. Bargaining
   Once the rage subsides the individual may begin to deal with the stress by attempting to bargain the pain away. The individual may attempt to contact the author to coax her into somehow continuing the series, suffering from the cognitive bias that leads them to believe they are somehow more special than other batcrap crazy fans and will make a difference. Or just resort to writing their own continued stories of Twilight... Totally normal.
4. Depression
   This is the dark state of depression where the individual will spend the most time, in a deeply numb, grief stricken, withdrawn, hopeless state of existence. (Nods head) Yep.
5. Acceptance
   Finally the individual will come to terms with the end of the Twilight series and realize
   ITS A FREAKIN BOOK ABOUT SPARELY VAMPIRES........... GET OVER IT!

Twilight Depression is a serious condition affecting as many as six women. If you think you might be suffering from Twilight Depression seek professional help from a qualified mental health professional... or a unqualified one... In fact yes, the less qualified the better!

Jury Duty part 5?

I got another Jury selection survey in the mail... My fifth in the last couple years?

Indiana, REALLY??? We're doing this again? Do you have NO idea who I am? Guess not.
Utah would, and never did, make this mistake, let alone for a fifth time.

I am pretty sure I am on several black lists for Jury Duty in Utah. The only way I would get Jury Duty in Utah would be on VHS from ebay, or as a trick to get me into a court room to answer some question for the DA. Seriously, is this some kind of judicial karma? (I was a bad teenager!)

If you haven't had one of these surveys before, they ask you things like:

Are you a cop? No.

Do you work for the government? Not that I can talk about.

Is your role with your company so important that operation would cease in your absence? As much as I would like to think so...

The problem I see with this survey is, it asks me "Have you ever been convicted of a state or federal crime?" CONVICTED? Well no... It should ask: "Have you ever been guilty of, regardless of prosecution and or conviction, a state or federal crime?"

Now that would cause me pause.

Everyone chilax...

Er'body take a chill-pill, I did...

I'm not an addict it's cool, I feel alive.

- That song by KC's Choice from the 90's came on the other day after I popped a Vicodin at work AFTER THE DENTIST. I just want to make that part clear.

I am not a drug addict ok??? BUT... A recent dental experience resulted in me being on Vicodin for two days at work, two awesome days. In this case narcotics have caused me to re-evaluate my attitude toward work and I have a new philosophy: Work like you're high!

(My manager is reading this right now, but guess what Kevin... not writing on company time, so pay attention! ;)

Here is what I learned from being on drugs:

It's all good! Don't stress out, you'll kill someone's buzz, probably your own.

Calm down, nothing you do in that 8 hours is going to matter to you in 10 years.

Laugh. Have a cookie or sixteen.

People who say "It is what it is" are douche bags who don't want to resolve the real issue, because of laziness or incontinence... or incompetence.. or all three!

With that said, I haven't blogged much this year, and I think it's because I've been stressed.
(That will change for at least the next week...) It's hard to come up with random funny rants about things when you are trying to analyze what is wrong with Pizza Hut's pepperoni implementation processes and writing letters suggesting they give customers a scope statement outlining of cheese / sauce / meat ratios and volumes to establish a standard expectation going into the pizza purchase agreement. People don't find that stuff funny (Pizza Hut on Coliseum sure didn't...)

I didnt think I was that stressed, but spend a day on narcotics and you realize, "Wow, I was kinda stressed".

I'm going to eat some cookies and milk for breakfast now.

Peace Out

Google racist against vampires

55th Anniversary of Rosa Parks bus protest. Happy aniversary Rosa Parks. 55 years later the least black man is President (No not George Bush). If that doesn't make sense... I am still on Vicodin.

Why is that white child the only one with a shadow???
Are you trying to say black children are vampires Google? You racists. You make me sick.

(Drools trying to spit in protest) Crap.

Post dentist Vicodin rant

Dude.... dude... All I have had for breakfast is a Wendy's Frosty and Vicodin.

Not recreational, I have a scrip (prescription), from the dentist yo. So I am totally going to blog while high on this Vicodin. I am so at work right now!

Is my keyboard moving? I am slightly inebriated (You KNOW I used spell check on that one!)

I totally went to the dentist and got a filling and she was drilling and then there was a pop and she goes "What the heck? What just happened?" and I was like "I don't know, you're the dentist..." and she goes "There is a lot of blood, we're going to get the bleeding stopped and then see whats going on." So I guess she found a blood supply that wasn't where it should be. She said she's never seen that before, I told her I've never punched a dentist in the face before either.

This is the same dentist office where I told the assistant I knew I had a cavity because I drank a Mnt Dew and thought I was going to die and with concern worn face she said "You thought you were going to die?!"

You know you want to go to my dentist.

Is this real life? I have two fingers.. I have four fingers. I killed a smurf and now my hand is blue... No I didn't, but a pen broke in my pocket and my hand is blue, so people think I'm having a stroke. I can't move the right side of my mouth / face and my right hand is bluish... and I smell waffles.

(Is this 500 words yet? Essay's are hard!)

Being at work is the best! I am a business analyst, right.. I don't think I should be analyzing anything businessy today, but neither can I drive for the next like 4 hours, so it's all good!
I'll just color spreadsheets with crayons and then take a nap, drink some juice and watch Star Wars.

So in closing, vote for me and all of your wildest dreams will come true.

XOXO

Peace out